i'm tired of this world, but what do i know?

w o u l d y o u ?

would you?
just what i am -kid cudi and king chip

i often wonder what kind of person i am
what makes me the villain
what makes me hated

it creates dissociation
always so focused on what i am
or what im not
i hardly realize what's left
that can be good

i end up in the same spot
in my young age
still feeling old
and all the same

wondering how it's humanly possible
to be alive
and still mourn this much
and still carry this pain

you still might look at me
and not understand what you see

ive spent too many days wondering
what i could've been
what i could've said

for her to realize
that i was wrong

i listened to those songs we used to laugh and dance around to in seventh grade all night long
i went to sleep at 5am
i met the love of my life the very next day

but that still couldn't dim the pain
all the people ive hurt
it's become overwhelming

im so scared ill hurt someone else like ive hurt them
missed phone calls and text messages just don't go through anymore

nobody's missing the little fragment of my existence
i sometimes even miss the day i died
because at least then
i was reminded of my reasons to live

i guess im dramatic
and romantic
i guess im a liar
and mass manipulator
i guess im toxic
i guess im unhealthy with my relationships
i guess im mean and careless with my words
i guess i hurt people and forget

i think about those words everyday
but it's just hard when nobody wants to believe it
because everyone always expects you to be
the worst things you already did
im a self fulfilling prophecy
guided by fear of abandonment
so much pride
so much
argument

you'd think i actually enjoyed being right
i never really do
i never really did

afraid that everyone would leave me
and so
they did
but it was my fault
it was never something they did

i don't deserve the friends i have left
i don't deserve them

i don't feel well
im always stuck in past tense

i wish we never met
because then i couldn't have hurt you
i don't know where that would place me
because through a decade
you changed me

you made me
feel
like i wasn't so alone
you made me
feel like i had a home
in a friend

what i would do
to speak to you again

i know nobody will believe me or get it
call me
a liar or say
it's just what people like her do when they want something

but i don't want anything from you
just another chance to say im sorry

regardless of if you believe me
i know for now
you don't really see me

you've got new friends and filled weekends with moments that i don't exist
i know you've been sad over it

but it's not a competition of who has hurt more
i know ive hurt you
it kills me
so much that i become stagnant

maybe our friendship wasn't healthy
but it was never you
it was because ive been hurting since the day i met you
maybe at first i confided in you
maybe at first it was good
maybe at first i knew who i was

but then i lost myself in the mirror
i lost myself in her
i lost myself in these words
i lost myself in the 4 walls of my home

i took it all out on you
and everyone else
but you got it worse
because you loved me
because you were closest to me

i wish i could've fixed it
i wish i could still do that
instead of losing myself in what i did
and losing myself in not only the reflection of me
but everything
ive said or done

i just miss you
but i don't feel like i deserve to

because i treated you wrong
and over time
i truly didn't deserve you

but now i need you
and i don't deserve you

these words will go unread by the recipient
it doesn't matter what i say or do
you'll never believe me

i saw it it in your eyes
you couldn't believe me

now i wonder
if you could talk to me again

would you?

it's really not your job to pickup and save me every time i fall apart
but i know that for you

i would find the space in my heart
but unfortunately
we aren't the same
and im not a good person
and i don't really deserve you

and this all will sound like a lie
you won't believe me
even if you tried

because you've built walls to protect yourself
you've got so many moments that can tell you otherwise

i just wonder if you could believe me this time
ill always be sorry autumn
until the day i die

some might read this and have a good laugh
they might say that's what she gets
because it's bullshit
im evil and i feel nothing right

im just so tired of the narrative that i lived in
i wish that i could've been something different

i just wonder if you would even care to find this
and believe me this time

my words aren't compelling
they don't stick
they don't convince
because im not a good person

that's it