i'm tired of this world, but what do i know?

t h i n k i n g o f y o u

thinking of you
lll. life: the biggest troll -childish gambino.

prelude: song of two summers

im at my favorite spot again
it's not really cold
it's tuesday
i went to the gym
i skipped class again
trying to be better
it's not really cold, somewhere in between
the moon is a waxing crescent
my eyes are dry this time
im ready to let some things fall into the water again

not pills, not the medicine, not a philosophy or pictures of so and so and i way back when

ive got trauma
im ready to unravel it
so im here at quarton lake, my lake where i always go, where i have always been
since 2016
when old friends and i would laugh and joke
where my sister and i would skateboard and skin our shins
where a girl gave me my first kiss
where em and i laid on the dock for hours staring at the moon
where i watched the year change from 2018 to 2019 crying and wishing to change
where i broke my bones for someone who forgot my name
where i became brave
where i lost myself but kept wandering with myself in limbo
where i felt pure happiness
where i made amends
where i wrote songs
where i wrote philosophy
where i'd run off to when time was too much
where i would take friends and lovers when they felt like giving up
where i'd run with my two bestest friends
where i tried to take my own life
where i died and learned to live
where he would take away that death like kiss, and replace it with a new one, one that felt like the most realness i had ever witness
where i said goodbye to my best friend
where a piece of my youth lies immortalized
where i still laugh in my head with old friends
in countless different realities that don't exist
where we're still smoking weed and skipping rocks
where they'd try to get my picture when i wasn't looking and i would always say stop
delete it
but now i keep it
over and over in my memory
good days and bad
years crying
years rejoicing
basking in the sun
and crying over the moon

ive spent eternities sorrow and happiness in one spot
within years that felt immortal in my mind
im willing and able
always willing to get frostbite
over a very good poem
because here
every piece of my past, present, and future ignites
i see who i was
i see how i've failed
i see how i've changed
i see how everything has changed
im not afraid of my past
even if it brings me pain
might as well just say everyone's name
thank dozens of friends who helped me through these loose ends
and now they're all dissipating
gone with the wind
don't worry
i will always love you, and the good pieces of you that still live here
my beautifully tragic friends
gone with the wind

this is the last poem
so make sure that you're ready for my last confession
the last flick of wrist
and tip of this
beautiful
emotional
trip

this is for everyone ive written poems about

act one

you know
the girl with kisses like fire
who loved me so painfully
i felt like syre

she was the only she i ever thought there'd be
eventually i learned that
she is me
and i can rhyme and confuse you
but this wasn't meant for that