With Love to cat from fin

CHAPTER 31

I was typing a reply to jenny who had sent me a greeting, my fingers froze as soon as the words left her mouth, "i think i like samrat". 

Those words made my heart stop for a second then my pulse quickened, i blinked hard trying to comprehend what i just heard, i slowly turned towards pam who sat looking at ground with a slight blush over her cheeks, dany was looking between me and pam with her eyes wide and mouth slightly open, "what?! i mean what made you think that?" dany asked 

"actually i had a crush on him from the start and i was super excited when i got a chance to talk to him in dance class, i think he too likes me, i mean he has always been kind to me" pam said tucking a few strands of hair behind her ear, 

Dany and i sat silently trying to soak the information, confusion, i was totally confused, suddenly i had a real strong urge to kick something,

"i want your help to express myself to him, specially you fiona he's kinda close to you more than us, i'll be so grateful if you can help me out" pam said with twinkling eyes, dany turned to face me with wide eyes, they both were looking at me expecting an answer, my heart was beating fast, my hands turned cold,  i was trying hard to control myself "i need to use toilet, i'll be back"  i said scrambling to my feet.

I walked into the block beside us as swiftly as i could ignoring their calls behind me, i want time to comprehend what i just heard, i went into ladies room and rushed into a empty stall panting hard, what's happening? why am i like this? i felt like someone has taken away my little doll that i didn't pay any attention to and now that i lost it, i understood how much i liked it, when pam said she likes him, that's how.....god that's when i realised that i too like him, i have feelings for him, 

Damn me! no matter how much i tried not to do this, i eventually fell for him and it hurts, it hurts like i have been stabbed with a knife in my heart, i clenched my hands breathing heavily, i can't imagine him another girl, it hurts soo bad, i gave up as tears dampened my cheeks, i pressed the back of my hand to mouth to stop the sobs, why do i have to be like this? why do i have to mess up everything? i wish cathy would be with me "i again messed up cath" i whispered tears streaming down my face.

It's okay finn, stop crying, crying won't solve anything my inner voice said to calm me down, let's think through this i said to myself, i should think carefully cause any silly decision could ruin our friendship.    

I stepped out of stall and washed my face rubbing my red eyes, i fixed my hair and came out with a blank face, i went up to my friends who were sitting silently, they both looked worried about me,

"are you okay?"  "what happened?" dany and pam asked simultaneously, 

"i'm fine, my stomach is a little upset" i said sitting beside dany, "any news about next classes?" i added, 

"not yet" pam answered, 

"okay, i think i'll just go home" i said raising to my feet, i need time i should think, dany stopped me holding my hand and said  "wait, i'll come with you"   

"no dany, it's okay, i can go by myself" i said walking past her.

I walked around aimlessly for a long time with music blasting in my ears, i ended up going to the park that i had many sweet memories with my best friend, i went and sat on an empty swing, i glanced around looking at small kids playing and running around, i caught sight of a small girl helping her friend with bicycle, immediately my mind flashed with the images of past times.

Cathy and i used to learn bicycle rides, she was quick to learn everything, i didn't where she learnt how to ride a bicycle but she taught me, i didn't know how to balance a bicycle, so cathy sat behind me giving instructions, i lost balance making both of us fall to ground, i was fine but cathy got hurt i started crying saying sorry, she should've have been mad at me for causing pain instead she said "it's okay finn, it doesn't hurt much, don't cry"  but the scratch on her elbow was bleeding, i was really scared and cried saying sorry continuously, that stupid smiled with teary eyes and had said "it's okay finn, i'll teach you properly so you won't get hurt like this, it's very easy".  She was like my own sister helping me with everything, 16 years we practically lived together, in every situation i had her by my side, when i mess up i used to think "it's okay cathy will handle this" i was soo used to being with her, after she left i tried so hard not to be too dependent on someone but meeting samrat made it different.

I didn't realize i was crying till i tasted salty tears at the corner of my mouth, i wiped them furiously but couldn't control myself, it's too much, the hurt and guilt, i am the one who caused all the mess and now with samrat, god why am i like this? 

"hey fiona, Damn!! what happened?!" i heard his voice right beside me.

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