Something Gained

Avoidance

                         I avoided both James and Cam for the next few days. I Was so angry with them both, I couldn't be around either of them right now. The only one I really talked to was Ella. She  was my saving grace during this and she completely understood why I was so angry with them both. Even though I had classes with them, I still ignored them. Did I miss them both? Yes I did but I wasn't going to cave in and talk to them just because of my feelings for them both. Now Is the time I needed for me. I needed to think of myself for once because I was so confused and unsure of so much. I am pretty sure that  I am in love with both of them. Because I didn't think it was possible to love more than once person at a time. At lunch before they joined us, Ella and I sat there just talking about everything. "I don't get it Ella. How is it even possible?" I said. Ella gave me her phone and what she looked up. "See Ivy, It's totally possible and it's becoming completely normal too. You can date more than one person at a time." She said matter of factly. "But I'm not dating either of them. Anything I've done with James has been purely physical so therefor he can't be in love with me. He doesn't even know what love is."I said. Ella just laughed "Trust me, I've known him long enough to tell this time he's actually in love and he's struggling with the concept of it so he's acting out worse then normal. Pretending like he doesn't care. Covering up by saying something else completely hurtful so that way you are getting too close to him where he could be potentially hurt,because that's one thing that actually scares him." she said.

           I sat there thinking of what she said. Could she be right about all of this. She interrupted my thoughts. "Stop overthinking this Ivy. You are just as bad as they are with how much they both are over thinking everything with you." She said looking at me. I let out a sigh, "I am not overthinking any of this. This is a lot to think about and try to make sense of. I just don't get it at all. "I said "Well Ivy, Love works in weird ways that none of us are suppose to get. We are just suppose to know we are meant for love."She replied. We sat there and talked back and forth for awhile. I heard a familiar voice behind me.  I turned around and saw Cam staring at me. I just sighed because I didn't want to deal with it and I Wasn't fully ready to forgive yet. I excused myself from the table.

                 I walked out to where I usually go sit when I need to think and be alone because it was the easiest for me. I sat down and hugged my knees. To be honest, As fucked up was this situation was I was happy I was dealing with something like this because this was easier than what I've dealt with in the past.  Even if this is frustrating and annoying it was better than what i dealt with in my past. I know as crazy as everything is right now, It will work itself out because that's how life seems to work. No matter what things have a way of working themselves out and I knew this too. I just had to take everything day by day. I hear someone clear their throats. I saw Cam standing there holding Burger king. "Mind if I sit?" he asked. I sat there staring at the bag. I knew I was hungry. "Sure"I Said shortly.

                       Cam sat down by me and handed me some food. "I know I was an asshole the other day and I probably don't deserve to be forgiven but I really am sorry."He said quietly. I sat there and thought over his apology. Was I truly ready to forgive him. Did I need more time to be angry with him? I had no idea. "I am going to be completely honest, I am not sure if I am ready to completely forgive you yet But I guess a part of me does forgive you and then the other part isn't sure how to feel about any of this. So I half forgive you and thank you for lunch. Burger King is my favorite."I Said. He smiled softly. We sat out there for what felt like hours. Just talking about anything and everything that came to mind.