Something Gained

For me

AUTHORS NOTE:
This chapter is something I need to write for myself.  Feel free to read on or skip this chapter. Thank you.

            It's been awhile since James left. He came back. We sat and talked things out. We decided that we are better off friends and we will work together to raise our baby. He stayed living with me. It's been nice because I really haven't wanted to be alone during this pregnancy. I also haven't been doing good. It hit me one day what was going on. I missed Sin. I really missed him. I wish he was still around. He's who I love more than anything. I know it seems weird that I'm pregnant with someone else's baby and in love with one but I am. I was sitting in a daze rubbing my belly one day when James came home. He had Ella with her. She came to sit by me. " How are you feeling?" Ella asked me. I lightly chuckled and said "Like a house dropped on me. This baby moves so much and makes it so painful." Ella smiled at me. "you are glowing though. You look absolutely beautiful." She said. I laugh when she said that. " It's probably sweat. It's so warm in here. But thank you. How have things been for you ?" I asked. We sat and chatted for awhile. It was nice catching up with her again. She left. I ended up going to bed because I was so exhausted. Things have been so tough and I'm not sure where to start anymore.

        It was the next day and I unexpectedly got a text from Sin. I just sat there staring at his name on my phone. I wasn't sure how I was suppose to feel. He left and left me alone. I wasn't sure what was going on,if he'd be back. Okay let me back track, things were confusing while sin was gone. Neo was still around. Things went down. Then Sin came back. It got really ugly. Sin left me. Anyways back to now. I was scared, nervous to open his texts. I had like 5 waiting from him. So I took a deep breathe and decided to open them.

Sin- Hey Ivy, I know I said I'd never wanted to talk to you again.
Sin- but I'm here because well.....
Sin- Fuck this is hard.
Sin- I'm sorry I was such a dick to you.
Sin- I don't expect you to answer me. I just wanted you to know.

I read his texts as I have tears in my eyes. I'm not sure why he's saying sorry. I hurt him and it's all my fault. I made so many mistakes during that time that I would give my life to make things right. Looking back with a clearer head, I could have made different choices. At first, I did what I did out of anger and I shouldn't have. Because deep down it was the wrong choice. You should never make choices out of anger. It hurts people deep down to their core. I know I made him doubt my love for him and I never wanted that because I love him more than I've ever loved anyone, more than I love myself sometimes. It's the kind of love you'll only experience once in a life time. I sit and cry for a bit because I miss him so much. I don't reply to his texts. I fell asleep crying. James woke me up once he got home from work. Who knows how long I was sleeping. "Hey Jewels. Did you eat yet?" He asked. I looked at him " No I've been sleeping. I think I cried myself to sleep. Sin sent me a text." I said softly. James stopped and looked at me. He held me close as I cried. " I'm so sorry Jewels. I know things have been tough for you and everyone. I'm sorry I really haven't been around. " he said. Before I could talk, there was a knock at our door. James got up to answer it. I heard him talking. Then he called for me. I walked over to the door. I saw Sin standing there. My heart dropped as I looked at him.

            I took a deep breathe and stepped outside as I looked at him. My heart was pounding. I could feel his eyes on me. I sat down and he joined me. I looked at him. I could tell that he was going to say something.  I stopped him. "let me talk. Let me say this because it's been long over due. This is my turn to talk. I just want you to listen Sin. I mean really listen to me." I said softly. He shook his head yes at me. I took a deep breathe with shaky hands and began to speak from my heart.

" Sin, I know things have been difficult and I know I hurt you. I know I made you  angry. Hate me. I regret every choice, every action. I should have done what was the right thing. I should have picked love over anger, because deep down in my heart, I know I love you. I knew I loved you the minute I met you. You turned my life upside down. You showed me what love was like. I messed up so bad. My life is so much better with you in it. I've been a wreck, a mess without you. I fucked up. I will spend the rest of my life hating how much I fucked up. I lost the love of my life the day you left. I cry out for you every day. I have this huge empty void in my heart and in my mind. Everything is so empty without you. I've never been this miserable without a person until you left. I want to make things right. I know I don't deserve it. But I'd do anything to show you that I'm serious about this. I broke so much and I'm so unbelievably sorry. I wish I could show you sorry I am. I miss you so much it's breaking me day by day.  I can't eat, I can't sleep. I'm honestly a mess. You are my soulmate, I love you so much. Like I said, I'd do anything to show you how much I love you. I'd rebreak down the barriers. I'd show you everything. I love you so much Sin. I'm nothing without you." I said as tears fell down my face.