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I sniffled as we entered the funeral home. I was trying so fucking hard not to cry. It was arduous.
I didn't want to cry anymore.
But this is the first time I'm seeing him since he was pronounced dead. I wish I could say I felt his energy, that I felt his positivity.
But I didn't. I felt nothing. I couldn't say that I believed he was watching over me because I don't feel any of it.
I want him here. With me. Physically. I want him to yell and scold me for my bad decisions. I want him to laugh and smile at my jokes. I want him to hug me and cry with me when im sad. I want him to just be here.
I wish I could take it all back.
If my parents, never left the house that day, they'd still be here. Craig would still be here.
Because I wouldn't have done drugs to cope. I wouldn't have met 6ix9ine. He wouldn't have killed my brother.
Its my fault and I'm owning up to it. I'll deal with it for the rest of my life.
"Cora."
I looked up at Jahseh.
"Come on." He grabbed my hand and led me to the seats in front.
I felt the lump in my throat from how much I wanted to throw myself at the ground.
I looked around. Who are these people?
I recognize some of them from the warehouse. What about the rest? I only really know, Tank, Dina, Coolie, Jahseh and Ski.
So far its only me, Jahseh and Ski.
"Cora, you can cry." Jahseh tried to soothe me.
I shook my head. "I can't."
He pulled me against his chest and rubbed my back.
"Please rise." The priest spoke.
If y'all religious, don't get angry at this scene. I grew up around people who had a religious opinion so a priest was always present at a funeral.
Everybody stood up and I leaned against Jahseh. I heard the doors open and in came Dina and Coolie with Tank behind them.
"Let us pray. God, we thank you for the life that you give us. It is full of work and of responsibility, of sorrow and joy. Today we thank you for Craig, for what he has given and received. Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name. Thy Kingdom come, thy will be done, on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread. And forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us. Matthew 11:28-30. 'Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.'" The priest closed his bible. "Can i have the family come up and say a few words?"
