Not in the Same Way

Three

"Shit Cal. Could you be a little more desperate?" Luke laughs as soon as Sierra has returned to the room and shut the door behind herself.

"Yeah, fuck off." I reply quickly, sipping on the coffee Darbs had brought. It's made exactly the way I like it and I'm pathetically thrilled that she knows the way I like my coffee.

She knows everyone else's order too my mind reminds me, but that's irrelevant.

"I'm just saying. If you want her back that badly, which, obviously you do. Why don't you just ask her out?" He questions and I scoff.

"Gee, what a novel idea! Why didn't I think of that?" I ask sarcastically. "Oh wait. I did. I asked her out today even —not the first time by the way— I just asked her to grab dinner later and she straight shot me down. She doesn't want me, mate."

I can feel the frown set in on my face as my jaw tightens.

"Aw, Cal." KayKay says and I shut my eyes tightly.

"Can we just change the subject please?" I plead and something in my voice must prove convincing enough because Ashton quickly begins discussing strategy for tonight's single release.

I zone out and glance down to my phone, the screen saver a photo of Ava and Darby at Ave's first birthday.

I'm constantly reminded of all the mistakes I've made with them, of all the things I wish I could change and take back.

I put my phone on my lap and try to contribute to the meeting. Our discussion of the single goes on for another hour, the videos been done since we got back home from Australia and there isn't much for us to do aside from share it and hope for the best.

"I'm gonna head out boys." I say standing and bidding the girls goodbye.

"She'll come around." KayKay says while squeezing my hand.

I hope she's right.

"Cal! Wait up!" Ashton's voice startles me and I turn back around to face him.

"What's up?"

"You need a night out." He says simply.

I give an exasperated sigh. "Ash, don't start this with me."

"Come on, Cal. We're putting out a new song, come out tonight with me. I can't stand seeing you so dejected. You need this."

"I don't want a night out Ash." I say firmly.

"Fine, fine. Let's get dinner then. Just you and me, like old times. I know you've got some shit to get off your chest."

I stare at him for a moment, usually pretty good at reading him.

"Stop trying to make it something it isn't Cal. Just dinner for friends." He says. He's my best friend I should have known he'd be able to tell I was studying him.

"I'll think about it." I say noncommittally, waving him off as I continue my trek out to my car.

I settle into the drivers seat of my SUV and huff out a breath. I wish everything was easier. I wish a lot of things were different.

I pull out of my parking spot as I think back to what the fuck was going through my head a year ago. I'd had everything I so desperately desire now, Darby and a life with her and our daughter, right in front of me. It was all mine to take and I'd been too foolish and juvenile to step up to the plate.

I'd wanted the easy way out. I'd wanted to get to play the role of dad when it was convenient for me and had shown no care for what was best for Ava. Even the thought of it now causes bile to rise in my throat.

I'd been a piece of shit then and I'm still paying for it now.

I pull into the garage closing the door and stepping out into the safety of the ivy covered walls that surround my house.

I step through the threshold of the door and sigh as I look around the empty rooms. It's so lonely here without Ava. I miss her constantly. She's at a stage where it feels like every single day she's growing bigger and stronger and learning something new.

It's bad enough when I miss things while I'm away for work. It's down right awful when I miss stuff just because it's not my turn to have her. I know it's got to be like this for Darby, too.

Duke yips at my feet and I bend down to pet him. I kick off my vans and sit on the floor letting the small dog jump on and lick me.

After a moment I pick him up and carry him to the couch, tucking him beside me as I lay out on the sectional and bring my phone up in front of my face.

I scroll mindlessly through social media doing my best to ignore the lump in my throat and the overwhelming ache of missing my daughter.

Fuck. Maybe Ash is right, maybe I could use dinner and a night out. If nothing else at least it would be a distraction.

I lay my phone on my stomach and cover my face with my hands. Rubbing at my eyes with my fingers as I contemplate what to do.

Option one I sit at home alone and stew in my self loathing and disappointment or option two I shower and get dressed. I go eat with Ash and bide my time until I get AK from Darby again the day after tomorrow.

Fuck it.

The phone is already ringing when I get it to my ear, he answers on only the third ring.

"Where should I meet you?" I ask simply.

He gives me an address of a Thai restaurant and I bid him farewell before ending the call and standing to my feet.

I'm in desperate need of a shower and I discard my clothes quickly before stepping into the bathroom and beneath the steady flow of water. I sigh as the hot stream relaxes my muscles. I want things to change, I need them to change. I'm just not sure how to make that happen.

I spin the tap to cut the water and step out, drying myself off before sliding into a pair of boxers and a pair of black trousers from my closet. A long sleeve T-shirt and one of my bucket hats from my growing collection complete the look.

Duke waiting by the sliding door to the backyard to be let out so I free him and wait patiently for him to return. He comes back in and I fill his dog bowls with food and water before grabbing my keys and sliding into my boots before heading back out to my car.

I sit behind the wheel deep in thought for a moment. Is this really what my life has come to? Forcing myself out of the house so I don't spiral into a pathetic hole of despair?

This isn't how it's supposed to be.

An: aw sad cal

What do you think he actually did?

How do you think his dinner with Ash will go?

As always thank you for reading,
Ily
Sav 🖤