Not in the Same Way

Sixteen

I struggle to focus on my surroundings in the dim light of the wee hours of the morning. Half awake I move through the darkened hall way towards Ava's nursery, the sound of her small wails echoing through the otherwise quiet house.

I pick her up and cradle her against my chest, settling into the rocker until she quiets and drifts back off to sleep. I've just gotten her settled when I hear the front door open.

I roll my eyes as I catch sight of the digital clock glowing in the corner of Ava's room. It's nearly three am and I shut her door quietly behind me and walk softly towards the entry way, my blood turning icy as I hear the unmistakable sound of a female voice.

I watch in a stunned stupor as Calum, my boyfriend Calum, kisses her neck and tugs on her hand leading the blonde woman towards the master bedroom, our room.

I wake up in a thin layer of sweat. The pain in my chest takes my breath and I gasp, my eyes shut as I try to calm down. It would be bad enough if it was just a bad dream, it's made ten times worse by the fact that it's more, by the fact that it's an actual memory.

It's after five in the morning now and I know I won't be able to go back to sleep, not that I really want to at the moment following that. I stand, my knees shaking for a moment before I stabilize. I walk to Ava's room and scoop her up from her crib. Her warm body cuddling against me and her soft snores relaxing me slightly as I carry her to the couch.

Tears flow freely down my face as I clutch her to me, one of her thumbs in her mouth and her favorite elephant under her other arm.

Calum wonders why I'm having such a hard time moving past the things he's done and this is the reason. Because even a year later, I can still see the scene in front of me so clearly it feels real. It feels like I have to relive it all over again.

I hear the sounds of scuffling feet in the hallway before Calum appears.

"Darby?" He asks, raising his arms above his head in a stretch that reveals his tanned and toned lower stomach.

He drops his arms back to his sides and takes in my appearance his face falling as he surveys my face that surely is reddened and streaked with tears.

"Darby.." His voice comes out sympathetic and while it should probably be comforting it only makes it impossible for me to hold back a sob.

I don't want his pity. I want back the relationship we had when we first got together. The relationship I had thought would last forever. The relationship we had had until the last trimester of my pregnancy.

"What's the matter?" He asks and he steps around the side of the couch and sits beside me. He throws his arm around my shoulder and I tense for a second before relaxing. I don't want to let him comfort me but I can seem to resist him so when he pulls me towards him I fall against his chest, my tears staining his plain white T-shirt.

His hand squeezes my shoulder while his other brushes across Ava's cheek as she sleeps. I don't trust myself to speak right now and Calum seems to understand and doesn't push me, instead content to sit in the quiet, the only noise the muffled voices coming from the television as the first rays of morning light wash across the room.

"I had a bad dream." I say finally, lifting the back of my hand to wipe the remaining tears from my face.

"A bad dream? About what?" He asks, his face scrunching as his eyes narrow in a look of confusion.

I gulp as my eyes meet his and realization washes over him.

"Oh."

"I really want to move on from this, Cal. I swear I do." I cry. "But we've never really talked this out and I don't think you know how much this really affected me, how much it still affects me."

His eyes are soft as he looks at me, his lip trembling but I can't let that sway me.

"I have some things I've always wanted to know about that night. I don't know that I can let it go until I have answers." I tell him, shushing Ava as she stirs in her sleep before tightening her grip on my shirt and returning to her peaceful slumber.

"Okay." He says once he sees that she's settled. "What do you want to know?" His voice is pained and I know from the flush of his cheeks and the way his jaw is set that he's embarrassed he's having to talk about this but I can't let that sway me either.

"Why did you do it?" I choke out.

"Darby.."

"No, Calum. I need an explanation. Please make it make sense to me. I put up with so much. I didn't say anything when you told me you were in the studio with the boys only to come home drunk with bar stamps on your hands. I defended you to everyone, the press, my brother, your friends. I refused to believe them when they told me you were cheating on me, but then you did it right in front of my eyes and I couldn't just pretend anymore. So please, please tell me... why wasn't I good enough?" My voice cracks and I hold Ava tighter as I search his eyes for the answers I've needed for so long.

"I don't, I don't have a valid answer for you Darby because there isn't one. I did cruel and horrible things to you and I know that. I'm not trying to defend myself here, I fucked up and I know that all of our issues now directly correlate to how I treated you in the past and I have to accept the consequences of my past."

His throat works and I can see he's struggling to keep his emotions in check.

"I keep telling you that I'm different now and I know that is probably hard for you to believe as I'm sure most of anything I tell you at this point is, again I know there's no one for me to blame for that but myself. I was doing all kinds of shit I shouldn't have been, drinking almost constantly, I tried drugs I shouldn't have touched, and I was freaking the fuck out about being a dad. I think some super fucked up part of my subconscious thought that if I let you down before she was born I would be saving you from future disappointments. I was so far down the hole by the time she was born that I just forgot who I was and I just don't even know what I was thinking that night. I guess I really wasn't."

He says the last part with a soft voice and watery eyes and I have no choice but to believe him.

"I always tried to play it off in front of you, Cal, but, you crushed me. I would have done anything for you. I was so, so in love with you. I've spent everyday since then wondering what I could have done different. Wondering if I wasn't pretty enough, if I gained too much weight during the pregnancy, if I wasn't adventurous enough, if you ever even loved me at all."

"Of course I did, Darby." He says reaching across to tuck a loose strand of my hair behind my ear. "I still do. I'm sorry that I've been the literal worst at showing it. I know I don't deserve anymore chances and I won't hold it against you if you don't want to extend another to me. At the very least though I just hope we can find a way to be civil for Ava."

"I was so close to forgiving you." I say surprising myself. "I had talked to Kay about all of her and Ashton's stuff, but then that stupid article, and it just felt like I was watching a movie I already knew the ending to."

"It's not the same this time, Darby. I swear it. I love you and I know that now. I'm not afraid of my feelings anymore and I hope you'll let me prove it to you."

He bends forward quickly, like he doesn't want to allow himself the opportunity to chicken out as he presses a kiss to my cheek.

I sit in my seat shell shocked as I hear the coffee maker in the kitchen whirl to life.

AN: I felt like we needed a chapter that really detailed how Calum had treated Darby in the past. Cal in this story was not a good guy during their actual relationship and I needed to explain that better I guess because everyone was like livid at Darby for not trusting him and maybe now you can see more of why she was acting that way.

Now that we know a little more, how do you feel about them?

Can a couple with such a toxic past really make enough changes in their time apart to come back together and be good for each other?

Let me know your thoughts!

ILY

Sav