Our lives alibis

Chapter29: Violet Hill(Coldplay)

POV Scorpius

74, 75, 76. The lack of oxygen burns my lungs and I rise to the surface. There are not many people in this pool, moreover it will soon close. A few more lengths, to empty my body, my mind, and I will go to bed.

The water is warm, pleasant, but I force myself to swim a long time. Jeff brushes me into the water, as he often does, furtively. His hand on my shoulder. His insistent gaze, in the shower. I understand, but I do not move. I do not want to hurt or use it. Of course some nights I want to make love, of course he would probably do it very well, and maybe even without asking anything from me. In all friendship. Well then. One never sleeps with impunity, there is always a wait ... unless you kiss with a stranger whom one will never see again, and who will not finish, him, to guess everything.

The day that falls reminds me that it's been 10 days since you came to see me and since then, no news. 10 days that I try to forget that I am waiting for you, day after day. Minute after minute.

The psychiatrist found me nervous this morning, and I lied to him. Shit. A month that I was not lying and I plunged, like that, stupidly.

I put my finger in the gear when I told you we could be friends, and after I lied to my shrink as I lie to myself, telling me day after day that nothing happens. That I do not wait for anyone.

I'm leaving for a new series of fathoms and I think it's good, too, to feel the life that starts again. The heart beats stronger when you knock on the door. This slight flow of excitement when the phone rings.

Even if it's never you.

Did you lie to me, too, when you told me that you wanted to be my friend? I do not think so. You really think we could be friends. And can you be satisfied with this situation ...

The irony of fate would make me almost smile: you, whom I love deeply and whom I have longed for, you only want my friendship, while Rupert, whom I love as a friend, has always wanted to be my lover.

If you come back, it will be difficult to become your friend again, because I believe that I have always loved you, desired. Even at 10 years old. Even without knowing exactly what I wanted. You always made my heart beat, I always wanted to touch you, I think. Even when you kicked me at Quidditch. Even when you ignored me at the library, a few meters away from me.

There have always been your dreamy eyes, your rosy cheeks, your tender mouth and the desire to take you in my arms. Always those butterflies in my belly when I'm near you, and those physiological reactions that I did not understand. I remember that day, during the first year, when you got up to go to the board, DCFM, and where, for the first time, watching you walk, I seemed to see a bump in your pants . Suddenly I was invaded by a wave of incredible, burning desire, and I felt my cock swell when I imagined yours. I think I blushed.

From there I never looked at you the same way again, because you had become mine in my dreams, and I thought about you all the time. As I think about it now.

If you come back ...

Jeff talks to me and I do not listen to him. He shakes his head and small drops splash me. Outside, through the bay window, you can see the darker shadows of the trees.

- We leave ?

- OK ... I think it's going to close.

- Yes, everyone goes to bed with chickens, here is painful, he said with a small pout.

We come out of the water and dry with the towels of the Center, soft, warm.

- Do you take a shower? he said to me, smiling.