Our lives alibis

Chapter34: From us (Natasha St Pier)

POV Lily.
The artificial respirator rises and lowers and I look at this baby struggling to survive, behind the windows. Windows that protect who?
Incredible the number of pipes that pierce his tiny tortured body. What does it mean to insist on wanting to bring life to a being who probably only runs to suffering, and inevitably to death? How many seconds of happiness, between the two?
I look at those pale, exhausted mothers and fathers with empty eyes.
If my father had not insisted, I would not have come. What do I have to do with this baby? Of this new being belonging to our marvelous decomposed family?
The show does not make me want to taste the maternity. Anyway, who would want a crooked one like me as a mother? The answer is simple: nobody.
And the discovery that I have just made ends up convincing me.
After the white night, I'm knocked out.
I will not go to see Isadora. I have seen enough.
I meet Draco in front of his wife's door, who is also fighting death, and I congratulate him. By pure malice, I think.
He looks at me with such pain in his eyes that I fight back, a little ashamed.
I jump into my car and roll open-grave, join my father at the Manor.
You will arrive in a few minutes at the airport, I know it. My father is waiting for you.
Me too, I'm waiting for you.
oooooOOOOOOOOOooooooooooOOOOOOOO
It's hot, at the Manor. Heavy.
My father goes around in circles, pale, James reads quietly and I pretend to relax on the terrace, sending SMS to my last friend, who writes me junk. What's his name, already? Oh yes ... Kevin.
He is blond, a little thug like the others. But his name is not Scorpius.
The taxi stops in front of the stoop and you go down. You are tanned. Normal, after a vacation on the Riviera. James rushes to take your luggage and my father kisses you.
You pass by me greeting me with a vague "hello", embarrassed.
Not even a little kiss, then? I attack:
- Here! Michel Angel and his damned soul ... The Siamese found themselves, then? If it's not cute ... Have you interrupted your honeymoon to discover your new little brother?
- Lily! growls my father.
In the light that passes his eyes, I see that Scorpius understood. Not Albus. Not yet.
- Oh ... sorry daddy! I cut you the grass underfoot? That's why you brought us all together? To announce the birth of your last son? Well, it's done ... note, it was not hard to guess, the clinic: a brown baby with green eyes ... Congratulations. When I think I congratulated Draco, by mistake ...
- Lily!
- And how did you intend to announce it? With beautiful stories of bee and flowers? By putting the forms in it? How did you do ? Each turn, or all together?
The slap on my cheek does not surprise me. I get up and I go to my room to sulk. I leave the guys together.
ooooooOOOOOOOOooooooOOOOOOOOO
James knocks softly at the door and asks if he can enter. I grumble and he enters.
- Come on for dinner, Lily.
- I'm not hungry.
- Please, Lily. Dad is very bad here. Come down, please, and ask for forgiveness.
- Sorry ? Why ? For making me a little brother in the back?
- But what can it do to you? You do not care, do you? It's him you want, or Scorpius?
Touch. I do not answer. He sits on the bed next to me:
- Lily, if the baby dies, you will never forgive your words. Come down to dinner with us.
Sigh.
I nod and I get up, painfully.
Everyone is gathered in the dining room, under the crystal chandelier. My father, Draco, James, Scorpius and Albus. The prevailing atmosphere is closer to the funeral vigil than the jubilation of a birth. All eyes are on me except Scorpius.
I pass behind my father's chair, and I whisper to him, "Sorry, daddy." He smiles sadly. Draco looks surprised. Of course, with his usual delicacy, my father did not betray me.
- Narcissa is not here?
- No, she stayed at Hogwarts.
Hogwarts. Another heartbreaker.
The house elf serves us and we start eating in silence. Albus looks shocked. With the slight trembling of his hand, I guess you went to the clinic just now. It does not come out unscathed, this kind of place.
I start, bravely:
- By the way, what's the name of that baby?
- Sirius Amadeus.
- It's pretty.
A Malfoy named Sirius? That's right ... Sirius was a black man. And the baby is not really a Malfoy. All these stories between Slytherins and Gryffindors, that does not make any more sense, now, I imagine. And family ties are so confusing now that it's pointless to look for logic.
Nobody really has the heart to talk about this birth, so problematic. Draco and my father look exhausted, but always united. I do not understand...
I watch you and my heart squeezes, despite my efforts. Your gestures do not betray anything, but when you lean towards my brother to whisper a few words, I feel a thorn in my heart.
I played, I lost. Have I ever had a real chance with you?
Everything was played out in advance, anyway.
From the first look, I guess, as in fairy tales. My only consolation is that you will never have children.
Just a little brother common. So I become your half-sister, and Albus your half-brother?
Decidedly our fathers will not have spared us anything.
OOOOOOOooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooo
After the meal we find ourselves on the terrace, between half-brothers and half-sister.
It is heavy, always, and the night is beautiful. Calm.
A beautiful night to make love to the stars.
Remember, Scorpius, this beautiful July night, 10 years ago ... I think I love you to die, again.
James tells us about his daughter, and the future baby, waiting for in a few weeks. He did well, he. Maybe because he's the only one who managed to escape the family.
Our fathers went back to their rooms. Moïra calls James on his cell phone and walks a few steps away.
I stay alone with you.
Earlier I saw that you put your hand on my brother's hand, and that he removed it quickly. Modesty ? Or you still have not concluded? Is there still hope that your idyll fails miserably?
I take out a cigarette of my composition, which I prepared just now. I'm smiling at you:
"Do you want one, Scorpius?
- No thanks.
- Do not you smoke any more? Yet you loved that, I remember ...
Albus ticks. You stared at me. I continue :
- Did you stop everything, then?
- Yes.
- It's good. It's thanks to my dear brother?
- No.
I'm still going to slap myself, I feel it, but I can not help it. I have to know.
- So, are we all siblings now? Funny, huh?
- Very.
Your attitude becomes more and more aggressive. You clench your fists, unconsciously. Do not look for me, Scorpius ...
- And you do not mind, incest? To sleep with his half-brother, it's not cool, I blast, in a puff of cigarette.
"Get on with your things, Lily," Albus replies.
I do not even look at him. I stare at you sarcastically:
- In any case, you're not embarrassed to sleep with my brother after all you did to me ...
- Shut up, Lily, you say, getting up suddenly. You're just a slut. Come on, Albus ...
- Yes, that's it, pull yourself. Beware Albus, when he has fucked you well, he'll let you down like an old sock ...
- Shut up, Lily ...
- Or he will try to kill you, as he did for me ...
You look at yourself in a flash, taken aback. Albus is probably not aware. I decided to play my joker. My last card.
- Stop telling anything, Lily. You're a poor patient ..., Albus answers, his voice uncertain.
- What? You do not believe me ? Do not you know he's the sick man?
- No, I do not believe you. Stop fabulating ...
I triumph:
- I have the proofs ... all the evidence. Written.
- What? you tell me, grabbing my arm.
- Your letters from Durmstrang, which you did not send. I found them in your trunk, in your room. Last night. I read them all, all night long. You wanted to kill me, Scorpius.
You are stunned. Paralyzed. Albus approaches in his turn, pale, in the darkness. He whispers:
- Who were these letters addressed to?
- Yours.
You loose my arm. Albus rushes to the stairs. You cry to him:
- No ! Albus! They are mine ... wait.
- The letters belong to their recipient, not to the sender, I throw slyly.
- Shut up !
"Too late, Scorpius ... he'll know everything," I said, looking falsely sorry, holding you by the sleeve. It's stupid, huh?
You're staring at my hand like I'm a disgusting insect on your arm.
- He already knows everything, Lily. You're wasting your time. You're really a crooked, huh?
- Whose fault is it ?
- What? What are you talking about ?
You are so close to me. Your look charred me. No, do not go ...
- Who fucked up my life, in your opinion?
- Stop your movie, Lily. It's ridiculous. We were so young ...
- So what ? do not you think I loved you, with all my adolescent heart?
- I do not care ... you ruined my life, Lily. You're just a slut.
- You ruined mine too, my love ...
"You are pathetic, my poor," said you, moving away.
- But wait. Hold on. Tell me ... you lied in the letters, huh? At one point, did you love me, anyway?
You turn around, and a contemptuous smile distorts your beautiful face.
You disappear in the darkness.
Shit.
He will read your letters. Your wonderful letters ...
I think I just lost the game there.
Checkmate.
ooooooOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooo
POV ALBUS
My love,
I left for two days and I miss you already, horribly. I should have said goodbye, I know it. Kiss you one last time. I did not have time, excuse me, my father wanted me to leave right away. I will explain everything to you when I return, in a few weeks, I promise you.
It's creepy here, you know. I do not stop shaking and throwing up. I sleep a lot too. And I think of you. All the time.
I think your father explained to you why I'm here. I messed with your sister because of potions. You were right, I should have stopped. You were right about everything, my love.
I do not know how I'm going to post this letter, we do not have the right to write from here. Or I'll give it to you when I get back and we'll laugh together.
Excuse me, Albus. Excuse me.
See you soon. I'm counting the days.
I kiss you.
Scorpius
I draw another, a little further in the package.
My love,
I'm going out tomorrow.
I thought a lot and talked with my father and the psychiatrist. They think it's better not to come back to Hogwarts, and they must be right.
I think I had too much pressure, too bad habits there. And I do not want to report or tell my story to others at Hogwarts, who already hate us.
Understand me, if you love me. I do not run away but I think I have to rebuild myself. I feel good here. Calm.
Excuse me my love.
We'll have plenty of time to love each other, to the holidays ... I'll tell you everything, I promise.
Wait for me, please.
Wait for me.
I love you and I will love you forever. Whatever happens. Whatever is being told about me.
I kiss you
Scorpius
My heart is tightening. You really wanted to come back ... you wanted us to see each other at the holidays. But my mother did not want to. And when I knew, for Lily, me neither ... you do not speak about it, Lily, in your letters.
Voluntary amnesia?
I take another, in the middle of the package, written on a different paper, with a pounding heart.
My love,
It's really, the horror, here, you know ... brutes, crazy. And the cold, dirty, filthy dormitories. It's atrocious, Albus, atrocious.
Why did I agree to come?
I miss you so much, if you knew ...
I hate them all ...
Albus, Albus, come get me, please ... I've done something wrong, but I'll explain everything to you.
I just have to find a way to send you this letter because they killed my owl. There's another English boy here, I'm going to ask him to help me send you this letter. He must know how to do it.
See you soon
I love you.
Scorpius.
With a trembling hand, I take another letter, a little further, in the package.
My love,
Why ? Why ?
Why do you refuse to see each other again at the holidays? Or is it your mother, your abominable mother who forbids you to see me again?
Did she tell you about Lily? This slut Lily told him everything, to separate us definitely, I'm sure.
I wanted to talk to you about it, you know. I wanted to tell you everything, at the holidays. I did not know how to write it to you ... that's why I did not send you these letters.
I want you to know the truth, but not in writing. I want to tell you, face to face.
I do not like him. I never liked it. She handed me a trap.
But I always thought of you when I was with her. Always.
I only love you, Albus, I swear to you. I love you.
I cry every night thinking of you, my love.
Scorpius
Drops fall on the letter. There must be a leak on the ceiling. Febrile, I open another letter of the imposing package. I do not know why I do not open them methodically, one after the other. It's like a dizziness. As if I was looking for something.
My love,
I was confirmed by a letter from my father that you do not want to hear from me anymore. I do not need to go back to Hogwarts.
I guess you're right.
I am unforgivable.
Excuse me.
Scorpius.
I look at the walls of your child's room and my heart is caught in a vice. It hurts so much, your letters, if you knew. I wipe my eyes from the back of my sleeve.
My love,
I do not know why I continue to write to you, since you will never read these letters. Maybe because I can not forget you. Maybe to keep a link with you. Illusory.
I dream of you every night, you know.
Nothing exists outside of you.
Time goes by, and I wake up every morning. It's another day. Another day that keeps me away from you.
I do not even know how I can live without you.
Well, yes, I know ... I already told you about this boy, Rupert. He's really nice to me, you know. He is nice like you.
Sometimes when I'm with him, I feel like you're with you.
But I do not like it, no. I only like you, you know. Always.
I will remain faithful to you, my love.
I will keep my promise.
Scorpius
Rupert. Of course. How can you blame yourself? How do you blame him? It was everything I was not for you. By fear. By stupidity.
My love,
Finally, it happened.
I have no excuse. No alibi. Finally, if, only one. Always the same: I did that thinking of you.
I can not sleep alone anymore, you know. Otherwise nightmares devour me, every night. Always the same.
So I sleep with him, as if it were you.
It's ugly, I know. For him and for you. I am only one less than nothing, I know.
I will never dare to reappear before you now.
I broke all our wishes. All our promises.
But I still love you
Scorpius
The house is calm. Where are you now ? In what room are you hiding? Why do they touch me so much, your letters? The story, I already knew, yet ... why it hurts so much?
My love,
Why am I still writing to you?
Why do I still need it?
Every night I fall asleep in his arms and I write to you again.
Poor man, he loves me so much. I think he suspects something, even though I never told him anything. Never talked about us.
Because we are my secret, my reason for living.
The happiness that I put in the trash, with the kleenex of the bathroom.
I'm always thinking about our last night, together, when you slept in my arms.
When you made love to me
I think about it all the time, day and night. All the time.
I dream of your mouth, I dream of your skin. I would like you to touch me, again.
And I would like to love you, finally. That you belong to me totally. Do not be afraid, I will not hurt.
I love you more than anything, you know.
But we will never make love together again.
I should have killed your sister, and die with her.
I have often thought about it, you know, and I regret not having done it.
At least you'd regret me.
You might even have forgiven me. I'll be an angel watching over you from afar.
I often think about it, at death, and if Rupert had not been there ...
I let go of the letters, dizzy. I thought I was the only one to complain. The only one to suffer. My hands are shaking when I catch another letter. These letters kill me, but I can not take my eyes off. I take another, much further, in the package.
My love,
I was accepted at Ecole Boulle in Paris, and I rejoice.
Living in the same city as you is wonderful. Maybe we'll meet one day, by chance, on the Pont des Arts? It would be fantastic...
In the meantime I'll Apparate every night in London, to join Rupert. He asked me. I do not want to say no, after all he did for me.
I hope to find the courage to go to you. One day. I hope you'll give me time to explain yourself before insulting me.
Explain everything, finally.
After, you will decide if you still want me, or not.
I love you, Albus.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
Scorpius
I go quickly to the last, eyes scrambled. Why did not you come to talk to me in Paris?
My love,
You have passed by me just now. I did not move. You did not see me. Maybe if I had removed my hat, you would have spotted me.
You were chatting with a boy, the same one who accompanies you every night when you come out of class.
So it would be true, that you have a love in Paris?
But maybe it's just a student friend ...
How to know? How do you ask?
According to my father, you live alone, but you are so discreet.
I'm definitely going back to London, I think.
I hope you like it, this boy. I hope he loves you.
I wish you to be happy, my love.
Farewell.
Scorpius
I just dropped the last letter. Despair.
I get up and go back to the trunk. I lift the lid, and I discover drawings.
Dozens, hundreds of drawings, maybe. Sketches.
Of me.
At 10, at Hogwarts. At 15, near a campfire. At twenty, in Paris, with that old shabby coat that I wore all the time.
I get up, staggering, and I leave your room.
You sit on the floor, your head between your knees.
I put my hand on your shoulder. You raise your head, eyes in the wave. I extend your hand:
- Come.