Saving Serene [Wattys2020 Winner!]

Lerma Villanueva

December 31, 20—

Dear Mama Lerma,

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry that you have to lose another member of your family again.

I'm sorry that you have to lose me too, like you lost Papa. . . but on the worst possible way.

I'm sorry that I couldn't live in this world any longer.

I'm sorry that I couldn't give you the life I promised you.

And I am sorry that I couldn't be with you until your hair turns gray and until you became a grandma.

I'm sorry.

I couldn't think of any words to tell you because I just felt so sorry that I am your daughter. Someone else will be a great daughter for you, Ma. I can't be the daughter that you wanted.

I can't take the course you always ask me to take. Becoming a professor is not my dream—it's yours. And you, constantly asking me to take Master's degree, is making me feel suffocated.

I don't hate you about it.

I hate myself that I couldn't do you a favour when you've done everything for me. . . for us. If only I am like Ate Helene, who willingly took the Nursing course when she was asked by Auntie to take it, then I will. But I am not Ate Helene.

You know what? I wished to be her, because she was brave, and I am not.

I know, Ma, that you taught us to be tough at all times, I am so sorry that I am not a strong woman.

I am sorry, 'Ma, that I always disappoint you. I'm so sorry for everything that I couldn't do for you. If only I had the guts, the patience, and the will to do that, I will. I will do everything to make you proud.

'Ma, I really had nothing to say to you.

You were the best mom I've ever known.

You gave me everything I asked you, and you would do everything for me. . . for us.

Yeah, I might have disliked you once in a while, but, everyone feels that way, right?

The only thing that I don't like about you is the way you blame me whenever I am hurt. 'Ma, I'm not angry about it, but I just want you to know that, in those situations, the least thing I need is your preach about my mistake. I want your care more than your hurtful, blaming words. I was hurt, Ma. And you, hurting me with your words, will never make me feel better.

I know, I wasn't the only one you blamed for the mistakes that happened in our lives, but that's really the most annoying thing about you. I laughed while I was writing about this part, but, frankly speaking, I hate it whenever you blame the victim in any circumstances.

And the second and last important thing that I disliked about you is how you think about other people's opinion. 'Ma, you're always thinking about what other people's going to say about you, your family, your kids, or the way we live.

'Ma, I hate it.

I hate to see you, stressing yourself by thinking about their fucking opinion that never helped us one bit. 'Ma, you were the one who fed us—fed this family. So think about yourself and remove that asshole chismosas in your mind. You don't deserve to be stressed by them, okay?

But you know what I hate about the most? I got that trait of yours.

I hate that I always think about other people's opinion. I hate myself that I almost live and die by thinking about what other people's opinion.