dear bear | kth

20장

dear bear,

there are times where i feel as if it isn't right for me to be happy. maybe you'll understand this odd feeling one day. usually i would give you advice to help you figure out a certain feeling or event. but this time around- i can't give you any advice. especially since this is a feeling that i am still working through.

this feeling of dissatisfaction just seems to linger in every corner of my life. it's the friend that i never asked for. it's the friend that pops up to say hi every once an a while to remind not to be too happy. it tells me that things can go awry in any second and that if things go the wrong way...it's my fault.

it's the feeling of not being enough nor not deserving to feel the joy that i feel at certain times. i'm not allowed to embrace the fuzzy feeling you get when you feel yourself at an apex of happiness.

that friend fuels the unwanted feelings of jealousy and pure sadness. watching my friends being happy because of something good happening makes me jealous. i smile on the outside and praise them, but deep inside i'm jealous.

it makes me annoyed that i feel that way but i can't help it. i question, why? why am i feeling this way when i should be truly congratulating my friend with their success. why?

then at times i feel sad because of that same feeling of jealousy. i feel as if it is because of my incompetence or lack of skills that are the reason why i am not able to succeed or do as well as my counterparts.

those feelings make me realize i am such an ugly human being. our emotions rule our thoughts and lives. they change the course of our actions and decisions. sometimes for the better or worse.

for me, i feel as if these unwanted feelings make my decisions even more worse than what i thought of doing in the beginning. why am i like this? i often question myself like i am now.

but then again, it's through these feelings that i remind myself that i am still human. i am still alive. i know i'm not the only one going through these issues. but, sometimes i feel like i am the only one.

bear, i wish i could talk to you about this in person. i just really wish i had someone i could talk to.

i'm sorry for such a depressing note this time around, but i've been just feeling blue. i'm sorry i don't have good advice today. i'm still working through these issues myself day to day. maybe one day i'll come to a conclusion that can help us.

for now, just remember that you aren't alone. i'm here for you all the time.

love,
kim taehyung