dear bear | kth

25장

dear bear,

talking about your mother the other day has made me feel very nostalgic. so today's entry is going to be about your sweet mother.

i realized that at some point during the last couple of years, thoughts about your mother have subsided. a part of me feels sorry for not thinking about her as much as i did before. but the other part of me pats my back, it's a reminder that i'm not like before.

the past me dwelled on past memories and was saddened by anything. the me now, knows that it's important to have a balance between remembering and continuing to live my life to the full extent.

yet, there was a point in my life where my thoughts were mostly revolved around your mother. it was during college.

i first met your mother when she was fighting with a vending machine over a drink she wanted. i thought that she was incredibly weird.

your mother was incredibly feisty, if you couldn't tell by the way i told you she argued with a professor for a full 10 minutes.

she never backed down from situations she thought was annoying or unfair, ie the vending machine. she thought it was really unfair that the machine would suck up her money without giving her anything.

so clearly the solution was to destroy the machine and run.

it was at that moment that i stepped in and pushed the machine till the drink dropped. that was one of our first and last interactions until our second semester of freshman year.

your mom and i ended up being in the same 10am history class. on the first day of class she argued with the professor for 25 minutes. so obviously as any sane student, i avoided her like the plague.

yet, we were the only ones who kind of knew each other, i guess from our short interaction. so ever since then, she always try talking to me. i would be sitting in the cafeteria by myself and not even a minute later she would silently sit next to me.

i just couldn't wrap my head around her and the way she carried herself. she seemed so otherworldly and we barely had anything in common.

yet, it didn't take long for the spontaneous quiet lunches with her into ones where we slowly enjoy each other's company and talk about random things.

your mother was truly something. she was absolutely stubborn, held her grudges, and she was wild with no care. i always thought that was amazing. being wild without a care and just being happy. your mother was the person i wanted to be.

she found it incredibly easy to make friends and didn't take things too seriously because she didn't want to feel down. she would get a bad grade and laugh, trying not to care because it was just "one mess up and she could do better next time."

i envied that side of her. i always found it difficult to make friends, which is completely different from the me now. i used to take things a bit seriously. yet, your mother was the one who helped me balance out all those flaws. she taught me how to let loose and let bygones be bygones.

i really wish you could have been with her for a bit longer. i know that you would have loved her as much as she loved you.

isn't it kind of funny to see how you grew up without her. yet, you managed to resemble her so much. it surprises me all the time and sometimes it makes me feel all sorts of emotions.

i could say more about your mother. but we have plenty of time to continue sharing stories. this is it for today. maybe next time i'll tell you more when the time is right. i'm sorry for not really giving you a life lesson like i usually do. i just thought that it would be a bit more relaxing to have an entry like this one.

love,
kim taehyung