Enervating Beauty (Kylo Ren x Reader)

Chapter 13- Everything

      I woke up suddenly to his hands securely fastened around my waist. He was clenching on tight, afraid that if he let go for even a second, he would lose me. I was small under his grip but felt so safe.

     I turned my body, so I was facing toward him. I watched as his soft black eyelashes fluttered gently as movement was evident from beyond his eyelids. His lip twitched for a millisecond before he relaxed again, and his body seemed at peace.

     I was quite shocked he had allowed himself to fall asleep here, somewhere so foreign and unknown to him. But he was tired. His brain was tired of all the conflicting thoughts that never left him and the pressure of his status in the First Order. Everything in him ached and the feeling of relief I brought him was imperative to his well-being.

     I looked at the time and realized night would soon fall over the city. I slowly inched toward my data pad to tell Vera to not let anyone in my quarters for the rest of the night. Every second that Kylo was here I wanted to enjoy.

     I knew that in the morning he would be gone again, and I would have to go days or weeks before I'd even see him again. I never questioned where he would go for so long or who he was seeing, it wasn't my place.

     But I couldn't help but wonder. That girl was always in the back of my mind, the one that he hated so much. I constantly found myself wondering if that's who he was going to see or if that's who was taking up all his time and effort. It was ridiculous that I was so enamored with this man that I started to become jealous!

     But he was mine.

     At least I wanted him to be.

     Frankly, from anyone else's perspectives, we were just two sad and lonely individuals who stupidly clung to each other so fiercely. It was quite profound what we had managed to build between the two of us through the web of hatred, anger, and misery. Our relationship was laced with so much more than that though.

     The butterflies I felt when I thought about him, my heart about to beat out of my chest every time I even caught a glimpse of him. The most amazing, euphoric feeling he gave me, every inch of my body being explored by his strong hands. Nothing could compare to it, to just being around him.

     I put my data pad back on the table and rolled back over into his embrace. He sighed deeply before trying to pull me closer to him. In his most vulnerable states, I trusted him to not hurt me as I tried to grow closer to him. I let my finger trace his jawline ever so slightly.

     I felt the soft stubble underneath and his ungloved hand came up to meet mine before he dragged it away from his face slowly. I knew that he had intimacy issues for obvious reasons but every step I made was progress. I never thought when he first landed here and was practically half-dead that anything would come of this, even with my captivation of his beauty at first glance. He clearly never thought anything would either, he viewed me as just another enemy and object in his way.

     But things were changing.

     His eyes opened slightly to look at me, just for a few seconds, but I was already lost in them. It felt like time was suspended, that our planet was simply a speck in the galaxy as everything became about him.

     This was more than just lust; we both knew that. I'd never felt like this about anyone in my entire life. Every so often looking in his eyes, I was reminded of the young Ben Solo and our days as children and how he would spend his days in the sun with his father. That person might still be inside him, just buried so deep.

     But even if that person was truly gone, I didn't think it mattered anymore.

     I had finally let go of the person he used to be and accepted him completely now for who he was. Because I had fallen for Kylo, and no one else. He was simply everything.

     My everything.

     Every morning I woke up, he was my first thought. Every second I was away from him; he was always on my mind. His previously intimidating and frightening presence had slowly turned into something more. Something so fragile, and so uncertain but so real. I was instantly relieved when I felt him around, letting the darkness cover me like a warm blanket. The feelings were inevitable.

     "You really feel that way?" he managed to stutter out nearly unintelligible. His voice was groggy, layered with sleep but he had been urgently digging through my mind and sleep filled thoughts.

     "Yes," I said honestly.

     He gave a hint of a smile, one of the most beautiful things I'd ever seen on him. He was truly content, on the edge of happiness even, knowing how I felt about him.

     I could tell that he was giving into his emotions and letting himself feel for the first time in his life. Feel more than anger, and sadness and hurt. He was able to feel joy, and beyond that, true feelings for someone. It all seemed unnatural to him, actually letting his mind be free from all the trauma and pain for even such a short time. I could not believe that I was having the privilege of watching his walls fall down right in front of me.

     I just laid there silently and stared at him.

     There was no tension, no building pressure or anxiousness. The room was just calm, peaceful. I knew that I would fall asleep back in his arms, but I was also craving intimacy with him so badly. I felt weird making any first moves, like I had to be so careful as to not go too far and risk any progress we had made.

     But I couldn't resist with him so close to me.

     "Back to sleep," I whispered to him.

     I pulled the covers tighter over us and turned my body, so my back was now up against him. I slid as close as possible to feel his large frame against my small one. His arm instinctively went to drape over me and hold me closer to his stomach. With his gloves off, I had the opportunity to really test the waters.

     I let my hand wander under the covers until it found his that was leaning across my abdomen. He flinched at the touch and started to move his hand away from mine. I caught it before he could move it far and let my fingers intertwine with his.

     His hand was rough, his palm held just a tad of sweat from the many layers that he was still covered in. But the closeness between us now was immeasurable. It felt as though we were inseparable.

     With our hands laced together, I snuggled in deeper and let myself reenter the world of sleep.

     The reality of our situation was at the back of my mind, taunting me for being so happy but it felt like nothing else existed in this moment.

     Just pure bliss.