Competition in your heart! [YiZhan/ZhanYi FF]✔️

-2- What now?

-2- What now?

After I tried with little success to get my fluttering heart and racing pulse under control, Li Wenhan grins at me and says, "I wanted to tell you, but you didn't want to hear it."

Well, thanks a lot. If I had listened just for a second, I would have known he was talking about Xiao Zhan. Oh, my gosh, how I adore him. I've had a crush on him for two years now, but only in secret. I suspect to this day he didn't even know that I existed.

My crush on him began two years ago. He was in a talent show. He can sing like an angel, but dancing is not his thing. He can, and maybe he just needs a better dance coach, then he could do it even better.

Back in the show, each of the participants had two performances per show. One solo performance and one in a randomly selected group. And every Friday night when we had free time, I was sitting in front of the TV and cheered and adored Xiao Zhan.

I even called for him to vote for him, because I wanted him to get ahead. I wanted him to win the exclusive record contract and get into the show business.

With every show, you learned more about him. So I learned that I am only 4 days older than him. Furthermore the producers of the show gave the participants a make-over.

And with his new hairstyle and his new clothes he looked so damn sexy, that he even followed me into my dreams and they were not youth free anymore. More and more my crush turned into a love affair for him, and before I knew it, it was love.

Seungyoun and Li Wenhan are the only ones who know about my obsession with Zhan. And it felt good to talk to them about him. Even though they immediately told me, "Even if he wins the talent show, you will never be able to be together. In this business you are rivals and the agency would kick you out if they found out that you love a man. So keep it to yourself."

Yet I secretly wished I could meet him one day. To talk to him or maybe do something together. Sing a song or dance together, I would even teach him. But unfortunately these are only wishes and they are far away from the reality.

And now, after two years of being in love, he sits opposite me and I can see his smile from close up. He looks even better now than he did then.

After Zhan won the talent show, he was seen and heard practically everywhere for many months. There was no getting around him.

I was so obsessed with him that my phone was filled with pictures of him, videos, and his music. But unfortunately my manager noticed this and I had to delete everything.

He talked to me for hours and told me over and over again that I should put him out of my mind. That I could never be with him, even if he wanted me too.

"In this business, homosexuality is death to your career. I mean it with no offense, but think about what you've worked hard for. And just because you've fallen for him doesn't mean you want to lose everything, does it?"

I was shocked. For the first time in my life I fell in love and got nothing but sermons.

The only ones who spoke and thought after I confessed that I am gay were my family. My parents and my big brother. Although I told them that I had fallen in love with someone, but who, I kept to myself.

My parents said it didn't matter who I loved as long as I was happy. And I shouldn't worry about it, because they would always love and support me. Unfortunately, they're the only ones.

Well, after a year in show business, things became quieter around Zhan and there was talk that he would probably join a music group. But his hardcore fans were unsure, because they hadn't heard, seen or read anything about Zhan for a long time.

In order to distract myself from my feelings and to try to get rid of them, I trained like crazy.

However, my manager was not convinced that I was really trying to stop my feelings for Zhan and arranged fake dates with girls. I had to meet some girls, then pictures were taken and these went to the press.

I found it so wrong and I kept asking if this was necessary. I felt uncomfortable and was so tired of this lying. What the hell is so wrong with falling in love with a man?

Is it really so bad that as a man I love another man? Can't I make my own choice who I want to love and who I don't? Did almost everyone really have to dislike my first love so much?

And how should I act now? My manager will not be happy and will certainly not let me out of his sight. And Seungyoun and Li Wenhan will also surely want to hold me back.

They all know that I still love Zhan. You can't turn off love just because you don't like it.

"Are you OK, Yibo?" Li Wenhan tears me out of my thoughts and I just nod my head.

"We are here for ten weeks. Maybe you should try to make the best of it. Who knows, maybe he'll even like you." These are brand new tones from Li Wenhan.

"We'll help you if you need it." Says Seungyoun and winks at me.

Have they suddenly forgotten what they told me back then? But even if they help me, our manager will know how to stop it.

One after another the groups perform their songs and dances, then it's our turn to perform our most famous song.

After us, XNINE give their best and I am amazed how good they are. Especially Zhan. Of course I paid more attention to him all the time and enjoyed every moment. Too bad that he had so few lyrics.

With the performance of XNINE the first show ends. The music groups stand together and bow to the audience and guests. And Zhan stands right next to me. I can scent his perfume and feel his body warmth, he is so close to me.

But something about his warmth is strange and I look more closely into his face. His cheeks are fire-red and his eyes are glassy. "Do you have a fever?" I ask him quietly. But he doesn't respond to my question.

"Hey Xiao Zhan, if you have a fever, you should take something for it. I have something in my room, if you want, I can give you that." I say to him and he looks me straight in the eye for the first time. My heart is beating in this moment up to my throat.

"No need, but thanks." He says and is pulled further away from me by one of the members of his group.

I wanted to take Zhan by the hand and go to the doctor with him. How can they let him act sick? Even though he said it was not necessary, I will bring him the medicine against fever right away. I can't let him get any sicker.