The Words I Never Said [editing]

2.1

danielle

Jonas saw my scars.

Jonas. Saw. My. Scars.

I couldn't stop thinking about it. I couldn't stop crying over the fact that he saw them.

I knew once Jonas gave me that horrified look, he saw. I knew I'd have to face him. I'd have to face my fear and tell someone about those horrible and selfish acts I did to myself. I also knew I would have to tell somebody who actually cares.

Like Jonas.

My tears stain Jonas' outfit. His arms squeezing me into his chest, muffling my sniffles.

"I'm so so sorry, Dani," he whispers.

I cry harder into his shoulder.

He shouldn't feel pity for me. Or be sorry for me. I don't deserve it. I don't deserve him.

I try drying my tears, my hands manoveuring up to my face. I take a deep but shaky breath. Jonas releases me, and I look into his eyes. They're filled with worry, pity, and love. I could see him holding back words.

Words he'd never say.

I stand up from the bed. Jonas following suite. He puts both of his large hands on my shoulders. I take another deep breath before he turns me around.

"Dani. I'm not asking you to spill your life story," he whispers, "but we need to talk about this."

I remove myself from his hold, grabbing my phone and sending him a text.

me: But I can't Jonas! I can't speak! I'm m-u-t-e!

He scoffs, "You know what I mean."

me: I don't even know if I can Jonas.

me: I can't relive my nightmares.

"You can if you believe in yourself," he says, "cheesy but true."

I smile through my tears.

"And," Jonas pauses, "I believe in you."

My smile grows wider, my full set of teeth being shown. I grab the hem of my skirt, balling my hands into a fist. I hold onto it for a minute before I get enough courage to face my fear. I grab Jonas' hand, his palm a little sweaty. I put my other hand on top of his same hand.

You can do this Danielle. Jonas believes in you. You believe in you. Take a deep breath and let it out.

I let go of his hand, grabbing my phone to reveal to him my story. As I'm typing this, I hesitate every letter button I press. Before I press the send button, the memories revisit my mind.

-- Flashback --

Their hurtful words replay through my mind.

"Why don't you just go die like your dad."

"You're a stupid fucking bitch, you know that?"

"Mute- like you'll still be when you're dead."

I wrap my arms around myself. A single tear rolls down my cheek as I walk down the street to my house. The entire time, no one stops to ask me if I'm okay. No one asks me why I'm crying. No one talks to me. They don't care. No one does. I'm just a random girl crying down the street.

My shakey hand tries sticking my house key into the door lock. Each time I try jabbing it in, I miss the hole. Finally I get it, throwing the door open and slamming it shut in a matter of seconds. My emotions take over me, making me burst into more tears. My eyes are blurry as I set my bag down and run to the bathroom.