Neon Lights

Chapter 25 - My Fault

[warning: Dean-sterbation!]

•Dean's POV•
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June 5, 1968
8 Days to Graduation
12:34 p.m.
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I feel like a mindless soldier, forced to push through heartache and feeling despite the fact I'd rather just lay down and die.

How could Cas do this? I thought angrily, shoving a piece of pie into my mouth roughly. We were fine until he just...exploded. He never even tried to talk to me about it, he just yelled and ran off. It's been a week since I left that note for him in the Soda Shoppe, and so far I've gotten no response.

How can he just ignore me? Pretend I don't exist? After everything we were, how can he just turn a blind eye? Is it really over?

How could you do this, Castiel?

I shook my head. No, this isn't his fault. This was my doing, my fault. I'm the one who didn't love him how I should've. I warned him, I did, but how could I have thought nothing but sex would suffice for a guy like Castiel Novak?

Sure, at first I only saw him as another hot mouth. It actually all started back farther than that first night. It was March 5th, 1965, tenth grade...

I walked down the hall, staring at the ceiling. My thumbs were hooked in my jean pockets. I felt like a king.

"Oof!" I ran right into someone, and I heard books clatter to the floor. I shook my head to clear the spots, "Jesus Christ, I'm sorry man..."

"No, no it's--" A deep voice started, but stopped short when he looked up at me.

"Fine..." He finally finished. I blinked a couple times. His eyes were a perfect sparkling cyan, his hair was messy and dark, and even though he wasn't hard, I couldn't help but see the bulge in his tight jeans. He was gorgeous.

That was the first time I'd ever truly seen him. I later found out his name: Castiel. I've never liked the idea of love at first sight, but right then oh did I ever believe in lust at first sight. It was that exact moment that I decided I had to have him. A little Catholic boy like him was not my type, but I wanted just one fuck from him, just 'cause he was so alluring. It was almost unbelievable.

I waited two years until that night under the dock, and then I realized one suck-off would not satisfy me. Yeah, I'll admit at first he was just a fuck buddy, but then something happened and I realized I was falling for him. It struck me like lightning - I was actually falling in love with someone, for the first time in my life. I didn't know what to do, so I kept him with sex. That was the only way I knew how.

But that didn't last long.

I sighed and looked at my half-eaten pecan pie. For the first time in...ever, I didn't have the stomach for pie. Or anything, for that matter.

I threw the remaining contents of my lunch in the trash. I sat down with another sigh next to Dally. The gang - that's Two-Bit, Meg, Dally, Steve, Johnny, and Pony - looked at me with pained expressions.

"Alright," Steve stared at me intently, "You know something's terribly wrong when Deanie-Weenie doesn't eat his pie."

"Talk to him!" Meg shook her fist at me, "I swear, I have a foot and I will kick you with it if you don't fix this!"

"He won't listen to me," I looked at her in dismay, "He just shoves me out whenever I try talking to him."

"So make him listen!" Two-Bit put in, "Force him to hear you out!"