Neon Lights

Chapter 27 - Say Something

•Castiel's POV•
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June 8, 1968
5 Days Till Graduation
6:14 p.m.
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"If you're wondering if I'm lonely...okay then yes, I'm lonely, as a plane rides lonely and level on its radio beam, aiming across the Rockies, for the blue-strung aisles of an airfield on the ocean.

You want to ask, am I lonely? Well of course, lonely, as a woman driving across country, day after day, leaving behind mile after mile. Little towns she might have stopped and lived and died in, lonely.

If I'm lonely, it must be the loneliness of waking first, of breathing dawn's first cold breath on the city, of being the one awake in a house wrapped in sleep.

If I'm lonely, it's with the rowboat ice-fast on the shore in the last red light of the year, that knows what it is, that knows it's neither ice nor mud nor winter light, but wood with the gift of burning.

Yes, I'm lonely."

I dropped my pencil and admired my work. A couple minutes ago, this strange wave of creativity washed over me and I decided to write this poem, If I'm Lonely. Now any creativity is burnt out, and all I feel is sad. Lonely.

After that alleyway episode with Dean yesterday, I want to smack myself. A part of me thinks I'm being irrational, that I'm seeing less than there is. But my more sensible half knows he doesn't love me, he never has, and he never will. He's not worth all these tears and all this time wasted thinking about him.

All I want is to run back to him, hug him until he can't breathe, then kiss him to give him my air. But I keep telling myself no, because I want a relationship. Dean can't give me that.

"Cassie!" Gabriel walked in, singing with a lollipop hanging out his lips, "How's my almost-graduate?!"

"Fine," I lied.

Gabe sighed, "Good Lord above you are bor-ing! Get some life in you, eh?"

I can't. "Sorry, just in the zone."

"Oh, are you now?" Gabriel leaned over my shoulder, "Are you poem-ing again?"

I covered the paper, "Don't, I hate it when people read over my shoulder."

Gabe took the poem from under my arms, "If you're wondering if I'm lonely, okay then yes, I'm lonely...aww! This is so sad, Cassie!"

"Quiet, you," I stole it back, "Just a creative streak. Go away."

"Draw me," Gabe struck a pose, "I want a portrait of myself!"

"No. I'm working on this right now," I pulled out a picture I started to draw of a girl with red lipstick and sad eyes, a single tear dripping down her cheek.

Gabe observed it, "Fine, but you owe me a portrait. I'll ask when you're less miserable!"

"In the zone," I corrected quietly, even though miserable is a pretty exact observation. I am miserable. I feel guilty, and I regret yelling at Dean on the dock that day. But I hate myself because I'm too proud to fix this. Also, Dean only wants my body so...I have to forget him.

I can't.

Yes I can. I have to be stronger than this. I miss him now but one day I'll get over it. One day I'll forget.

Gabe left me to my art, finally, and I continued to draw the intricate lines to give my girl's eyes more depth.

I made them look like his eyes.