Hopelessly Broken

16. Tired

4.23.20

It was getting pretty late, and I had noticed by now that Lincoln hadn't been home yet. "Jack, where is your father?" I asked while we ate our dinner... Roman is totally dinner, people!

"He's probably out looking for us, if I had to guess," Jack responded. As if I had predicted it, the front door clicked open.

"Jamie?" Lincoln called our through the house. I could hear the pure exhaustion in his voice even though I couldn't see him. All of this is my fault! He walked into the kitchen with his eyes closed and a hand rubbing his forehead. He had a miniature frown on his face, and I could see just from his posture that he felt defeated. He turned around and jumped about five feet in the air when he saw us sitting at the table. "Where the hell have you been?" he asked us.

"We stayed in a dumpster last night then went to school," Jack dismissed.

"You slept... In a dumpster?"

"Yeah in the next town over."

"Just... I'm glad you're home now. I was really, really mad when Jamie told me that she just left you on that road. Where is she, by the way?"

"I found her like we used to three years ago. We put her to bed."

"Damn it," Linc muttered darkly before walking out of the room. Before he left, he poked his head back into the room and snapped, "We'll talk later about this, Devon."

I jumped at the amount of venom he held in his voice when he said my name. "Don't let him get to you, it isn't your fault," Jack reassured. "Now you're going to go sleep in my bed and you will like it!"

"Where are you going to sleep?"

"Either the couch or the floor. You deserve the bed, don't even try to protest."

I knew that he would never change his mind, so I went up to his bedroom. From his door, I could see Lincoln leaning over his wife with an unrecognizable expression. I could have said it was... Disappointment?

I stole some of Jack's pajamas and climbed into his bed. It was soft and comfortable unlike the one I occupied at the orphanage, and I couldn't stop myself from falling asleep almost as soon as my head hit the pillow.

***

I was awoken by rough hands shaking my shoulders. "Get up," the masculine voice commanded sharply. I sat up swiftly, and I found myself face to face with a really angry Lincoln. "I'm going to tell you right now that you cannot run away at every single itsy bitsy issue in this house! I can't believe that you would be so selfish as to pull a stunt like that! You could have gotten my son killed when he went after you!"

"It was his choice to come after m–"

"Shut up I'm not done yet! You ran away, left my wife and son to find you, and you didn't even come home when you could have! What if my wife had died from alcohol poisoning, or would you even care if that happened!?"

Tears were threatening to fall out of my blue eyes. "We put everything into having you here with us and you threw it into the fucking mud! Do you seriously think that I still want to adopt you now!?"

My heart dropped into my feet, and I forced my feelings back behind my brick wall. It had slowly been coming down, but I knew now that it had been rebuilt and fortified with another layer. "Get whatever stuff you have and get your ass in the car! I'm taking you back!"

I shifted my gaze onto the clock to see that it was 9pm, and I got up on shakey legs. He had already stormed out of the room, so I collected the few things in this room that truly belonged to me before following him out to the car.

I climbed into the back seat wordlessly and plugged my seatbelt in before he drove out of the driveway. I felt the serious need to cry, but I held it in like usual all the way until we reached the orphanage. I got out wordlessly and just went to my room. I found that it was exactly how I left it, and I sat on my bed while staring blankly at the wall.

A fist knocked on the door, and I saw Meg poke her head into the room. "Dev... What did you do that got him that mad? I thought that relationship was going somewhere for you!"

"Made a fool of myself by having invalid feelings that cause me to do dumb shit," I murmured sadly.

"Whatever... I'll wake you up for school tomorrow."

The door closed, and I just now remembered that I was wearing Jack's clothes. I though I was going somewhere with that family too, Megan. I really, really did.

Suddenly, my sadness turned into a white hot anger that made me punch the wall hard enough to leave a hole. I groaned about the pain and just rested my forehead against the wall over the hole that my angry knuckles had left. My uninjured hand was busy pulling roughly on my hair while I searched blindly for what I really needed... My cigarettes. I had been trying to quit and doing a pretty good job about it. Honestly, I use them heavily in times of stress, but I hadn't had that recently so it hadn't been an issue. Now, however, I needed one– Or five or six– to calm myself down from the feelings swirling around my chest.

No! Stop feeling! Feeling only brings problems for you, Devon! I sat dangerously close to the edge on the railing of my balcony while inhaling the toxins of my nicotine. I shoved everything I was feeling deep inside of my chest with a loud sigh and exhaled the smoke.

Why is it that every time I think I'm going somewhere, the world just tears me down? Is it something wrong with me? Is it something wrong with the way I feel or think? Jack tried to tell me that I was allowed to feel, but how can he know? How does he know when he's never done anything as stupid as I have? How does he know when he's never longed to feel a singular ounce of love from a parent?

Is this just because I'm too weak when it comes to my emotions? I feel too much, allow my feelings to run rampant and control my whole life, then I just expect everything to remain normal. Why does Jack put up with me? Why does anyone?

I looked up to find the full moon staring down at me. It's so pretty, and I feel as if I don't deserve it. Maybe, just maybe, if I could stop my feelings from getting in the way of my actions, I wouldn't mess everything up so often. That's the only way I can think of to help myself. I can't believe that I allowed myself to be such a selfish person to the people that just wanted to show me love. Why? Why am I like this?

Inhale...Exhale...Inhale...Exhale...

I allowed my stress to fizz out with my exhales. I allowed myself to stop feeling so much... I didn't get any sleep from the thoughts running through my mind, but I don't care.

I'm tired of caring.