A Little Too Much, A Little Too Deep

Chapter 4

­­­"Your results look good. We don't see any brain damage and your arms have healed well, although you will scar a little on the deeper cuts that are closer to the creases in your elbows. But otherwise you are physically healthy." The moroi doctor tells me a week after waking up, indicating to the chart that he holds in his hands. He seems a little young to be a doctor in my opinion, but hey, I'll take what I can get if it gets me out of this damn room. I nod my head in agreeance but can see that there is something else that he wants to say.

"Whatever it is you want to say, just spit it out."

His eyes flick up to mine and takes a deep breath, like he is trying to find the right words that won't set me off.

"While you are perfectly fine physically, I'm more or less concerned about your mental state. Rose, I understand that you are bonded to Princess Dragomir and that you can help alleviate the side effects of her darkness. But that being said, you almost killed yourself. When Guardian Belikov brought you in you were almost dead. In fact, we did not think that we would get you back. The only reason you are not in the psychiatric ward is because of your mother and the Princess."

Ah. I know where this is going. I fold my hands in my lap and look down at them. Here is someone that is going to judge me for my weakness. "Nobody here is judging you, Rose. We are just concerned. There are many people who were here waiting for you to wake up, and I just want to discuss some options about how to help you cope with these feelings that you are having." The young doctor says to me. I didn't even realize I had said those thoughts out loud.

Clearing my throat, I ask what he thinks the options for me are when I know that he is going to recommend medication.

"Well there are always antidepressants and anxiety medication. But if you are anything like your mother I know that you would outright refuse and judging by the notes of the counsellor at Saint Vladimir's, you did not respond well to mandated counselling. I am suggesting maybe taking some time off, even away from the Court and that we set a program in place to help you cope in a way that is effective for you."

I chuckle under my breath lightly, apparently, this doctor knew how to read people too.

"I'm a Guardian. I can't just up and leave my charge. My job is to protect the Moroi and I can't do that if I'm not working. Plus, what can we do without medication?" I say, crossing my arms over my chest and leaning back against the bed, taking a deep breath trying to shove down the swirling feelings in my head. The doctor drags a chair up to the side of the bed, gracefully seats himself and crosses his legs, then rests his folded hands in his lap.

"I'm going to give you a bit of personal information here, and I hope that it can stay between us. My younger sister never declared an element. Everyone just assumed that she never would, but in reality, she had spirit." Another spirit user... someone else that we could talk to. Someone else who knows what it feels like to deal with the darkness. " I tried to help her the best I could. I had her write in a journal. And before you tell me that it's stupid and not worth the time, she didn't think it would help her but it did. Sometimes getting everything down on paper is easier than saying it out loud to another, and this way you can keep your thoughts private or share them when you feel comfortable. There was a study that showed that some people benefited from writing everything down and then burning the pages. It was almost like a sort of release."

He looks a little somber while he speaks, which makes me wonder if that sort of therapy helped his sister, but a part of me doesn't want to ask. "Can I think about my options for a bit before I make a decision?" I ask quietly. He looks up and smiles slightly, "take your time, but I do need to know what you would like to do as soon as possible."