northstar - cashton

Chapter 5

I decided to clean the house now instead of tomorrow morning, my mother would kill me if she came home to this mess of a house. Especially after a 36 hour shift. I started picking up cups and plates and putting them into a garbage bag. I couldn't stop thinking about Justin and how different school is going to be but also how I have the boys now. But it still hurts, he's been here for me for over 9 years. Highschool just changed him. I finished cleaning in about half an hour, it would've been worse if the party had gone on longer. I locked all the doors, turned off all the lights, went upstairs, and vowed to never step foot in the guest room again.

I unlocked my moms door and my own. I walked into my room, shut it behind me and plopped onto my bed. I wanted to cry, my body was telling me to cry but I couldn't. I just layed there staring at the glow in the dark stars that've been there since my parents moved in. Before I fell asleep I knew I had to at least change my pants, I can't sleep in jeans. I changed and quickly went under the covers, attempting to fall asleep cuddled to my stuffed dog, with an enormous pain in my chest.

I knew it was hours later but I had no concept of what time it was. I was still staring at the stars above me, wishing I was laying on a rooftop with the love of my life staring into space. A couple years ago I thought that was Justin, I thought that I was going to marry him. That we were going to adopt a bunch of kids out of the foster system because we heard so much shit about it and we wanted to help as many kids as possible. But now I need to better myself, get over that monster, and find new dreams with a different person.

I heard my mom get home, so it was about 4 am. I know her schedule like the back of my hand. Since she came home I could feel myself relax and my eyes soon fell into a light sleep.

I woke up in two hours with the sun rising. I didn't close my blinds so I basically took a nap instead of sleeping. I just laid there not wanting to get breakfast so early and not having the motivation to close my blinds and yet again attempt to go back to sleep. It took me a couple minutes but I remembered why I felt empty. Stupid ass Justin Roberts. I knew I should've stayed away from him in like first grade, my mom never liked him, even then. Always trust the mom instincts, they can see what you can't.

I layed in my bed until probably 5 pm when my mom knocked on my door.

"Ash? Honey, you okay?" she slowly opened my door, not wanting to bother me.

I just grumbled a response, "Nope."

She grabbed the blankets from my bed and completely uncovered me, "Come on, no moping. I know you went back to school this week but it couldn't have been that bad."

"Justin cheated on me, I'm allowed to mope." I finally sat up on my bed facing her.

"Oh, sweetie, tell me everything so I can go beat him and yell at his mother for raising him that way." She stated calmly but I could see the fire in her eyes.

"Mom, it's okay, he was getting abusive. I was planning on breaking up with him anyways. I didn't love him the same way." I reassured her.

"I can still beat his ass. But Ash, talk to me. What happened?" She sat down on my bed with me.

"It started during the summer, everytime I would talk to a guy or even look at one he'd get really jealous and possessive and you know I hate that. Then I actually made friends this week, they're from Australia like you, three of them, Michael, Luke, and Calum." I smiled thinking about the boys, "Justin saw that we were getting close and he grabbed my arm and told me to stay away from them." I pulled up my sleeve to show her my bruised arm.

"Sweetie oh my goodness," She covered her mouth with her hand and stared at my arm just like the boys did yesterday.

"Then they all came over because well I had another party, sorry about that Justin wanted to have a back to school party, but they were here hanging out before the party and we were having fun and Justin came in and started insulting them without even getting to know them so obviously I defended them but he just kept being rude. I took him aside and calmly yelled I guess but it didn't do anything because during the party I went to look for him and he was in our guest room making out with some guy from his football team. I didn't cry though, I couldn't cry in front of him. I made a scene mom, Ashton Irwin made a scene in front of the junior and senior class," We both laughed at that, I hate confrontation.

"I told everyone that he cheated on me and that he was single. But how could Justin do that, I mean fucking cheat? He was there for me during your divorce because Dad cheated on you, I hate them both. Once everyone left I completely broke down but the best part is that the boys were there for me and they made me feel so much better. But Calum was just really mad. Did I tell you he's mute? He chooses not to talk but I feel like he has so much to say. Michael started crying when he was telling me my worth, abuse and cheating seemed really personal to him. Luke was amazing too, he was comforting me too, he's great." We were both crying more than we wanted to on a Saturday afternoon.

"Ashton, that is the most you've ever talked to me. But why didn't you tell me he was being possessive earlier? We could've saved you the heartbreak." She was still crying but looking me in the eyes.

"I don't know. I don't think I was ready to let him go. But I have the guys now and they live like 10 minutes away walking!"thinking about creating memories with them and becoming even better friends gave me the strength to stop crying.

"Thank you for being vulnerable with me. I know it's hard to talk to your mom about literally anything but I hope you know I'm here for you always. I have another long shift starting at 8 tonight but I'll be back Monday while you're at school. We can talk over dinner then okay? I want to hear all about these Aussie boys. I love you Ashton." Her tears were dried and her words were genuine, this is the closest we've been since I chose to stay with her after the divorce. We knew it was going to be difficult but we were strong and she's my mother for crying out loud.

"I love you more." I smiled at her.

"Can you go pick up some things for me at target?" She asked, getting up from my bed.

"Sure, got a list?" I asked smiling up at her.

"I'll text it to you, thank you. I think I'm gonna go back to bed," she said sleepily.

"You work hard mom, you deserve it. I'll be back in a couple hours." I closed the door behind her as I started to undress, deciding to get out of the clothes of yesterday. Not that I was going to dress up or anything I still feel like shit. I grabbed a clean pair of grey sweatpants and a white muscle tee and changed. I grabbed my keys and phone, leaving my room for the first time today. I slipped on my black vans and walked out of the house yelling a goodbye.

I sat in my car before turning it on debating whether I should text the guys to see if they wanted to come with me. We could have fun but was I being too clingy? I'm overthinking again. I decided against it and turned on my car saying to myself that I needed me time. I played One Direction to get me in a better mood. As always it worked.

I got to Target, parking and locking my car, I walked in realizing that I was still in sweats and a sweater but somehow looking better than almost everyone in here. I looked at the text she sent me, just regular stuff; toilet paper, paper towels, bagels, regular things. I grabbed a cart and immediately got annoyed because the right front wheel was fucked up but I kept going. I got everything on her list in no time and wanted to shop for myself, I'd of course venmo her back the stuff I got. We're comfortable talking about money with each other. I got a bunch of sheet masks because those are my favorite skin care items in the world.

I turned down an aisle to see Justin and that boy holding hands laughing at something they said. I quickly turned around and went to check-out trying not to cry. He's really happier without me.  I paid for the items and rushed out of the Target not looking back.
I packed all the bags into the back of my car and got in the driver's seat slamming my door shut. I looked at my home screen, a picture of me and Justin. I hadn't had the time to change it. I started crying again, looking at that photo, at what could've been if I'd just put up with Justin. We could've been happy and successful but he had to be an ass and I had to break up with him because it was the best thing for me right? Why doesn't it feel that way? I opened my phone and went to the settings app to change it to a picture of my mom and me, it made me smile. I then opened Instagram and started deleting pictures from 4 years ago to now. I couldn't stop crying, all I wanted was someone to tell me that what I was doing was right. I finished deleting the pictures and I only had 17 posts left of me by myself, with my mom, or of a sunset.

I couldn't be alone anymore. I drove home faster than I should've but when I got there mom was gone. I forgot that she had to go back to work. I brought all the groceries in and put them away while crying because I still had to be responsible.