northstar - cashton

Chapter 12

A couple minutes passed filled with me thinking about what I'm going to say to Calum once we're in the car, alone. I had a list in my head:
-Does he think I'm a whore
-If so, is it because of what Ellie said.
-If not, then why is he acting weird.
-Make sure to tell him that the only reason I came to school today is because of him.

My master list that will most likely not be fulfilled by my one sided conversation. Then the bell took me out of my thoughts and pulled me out of the classroom with a kind goodbye to Mrs. Johns. Calum walked behind me as we happily left the building.

I pulled out my phone to text Luke and Michael that I'd pick them up whenever they were done. As I was typing I was pulled before a car honked and zoomed past me. I realized that Calum was the one that saved me.

"Thanks Cal." I looked back to see him smiling at me, not full teeth but sincere enough.

I sent the text and put my phone away, trying not to think that I could've been killed in a school parking lot. We got to the car and climbed in, tossing our bags in the back seats.

I pulled out of the spot and started driving home. Calum was about to turn on the radio when I held out my hand and told him that I needed to talk.

"Calum, you've been acting so odd today and maybe it's because of what Ellie said this morning or I did something to offend you. I just need to know why because you're literally my best friend right now and I don't know what to do because this is not the way you've been acting over the past, what, 9 days that I've known you?" I took a needed breath before thinking back to my list, "If it's not because of my new 'whore' status, then what is it? Did you realize that I'm not that cute, I'm not as attractive as you originally thought. Do I disgust you? Because if so, I'm sorry and I will leave you alone for the rest of the time you're here." I sighed knowing I wasn't done but needing a break to recollect myself. We only had 5 more minutes until we were at his house where I would drop him.

"If you want me to leave you guys alone I can but it might break me completely. This isn't meant to be manipulative. I just need you to know how I feel. If I lose you three I don't think I'll make it through high school, let alone junior year. I've lost so many people in the past 4 years I can't take it anymore. I can't watch another person walk out the door." I started to lose my train of thought, I was ranting but it was needed, "Do I not deserve love? Do I just bring in people that I know will hurt me in the long run? My dad said he'd be there for every milestone in my life, he's already missed my freshman year. I know he's going to miss prom, graduation, college acceptance letters and lord knows he won't be at my fucking wedding. Even if I forgave him for all the shit he put me through, he's still a homophobic piece of fucking garbage. When I came out to my parents I had two opposite reactions. When the words, 'I'm gay' came out of my mouth my mom smiled and hugged me. She said that she loved me the same, that's what I needed to hear at age 14. When she let go my father was silent. He walked towards me and slapped me saying these words, 'No son of mine is gay'. My mother screamed at him, defending me, holding me, making sure I was okay. He apologized but never looked at me the same way. Then he cheated on her and they finally divorced after years of arguing, even before my coming out. Why are people allowed to lie? He took my younger siblings because he didn't want the stress of a gay teenager. Now he says that he misses me? What kind of bullshit is he on? Why does everyone just lie to me?" I whispered my last sentence as I parked in his driveway.

Silence, no fucking response. Not even a sigh. I hadn't looked at him the whole time I was driving. I turned my head to see him crying.

"Cal?" I put my right hand on his shoulder, "Why are you crying?"

"You deserve unconditional love. I'm sorry" I heard him say barely above a whisper. He seemed shocked by his own actions and quickly grabbed his backpack and got out of the car before I could even react to him actually talking.