northstar - cashton

Chapter 18

I didn't sleep that night. Calum kept waking up from nightmares and I wanted to be there for him. I cuddled him as much as I could, I held him close to me. I hope that the comfort factor was enough but I knew that if I was in his shoes it would barely help. I knew that we needed to talk it out but it wasn't my place to start the conversation.

"Ash, I know you don't want me to apologize but I need to. I lost control of my emotions and let go of myself. I'm sorry for yelling near you, even if it wasn't at you, you still saw me angry, I never wanted to show you that side of me. I didn't want you to see me or hear me like that. I hate getting mad but what Luke said brought up so many emotions and I couldn't handle it. I had to lose control, I know I would've done it eventually. I owe you an explanation,"

"You don't need to explain anything to me Cal, don't think you owe me anything, you can talk to me anytime, it doesn't have to be now." I want him to feel comfortable, that's all I want.

"I do though, because if we're going to be together, or even friends I need to do this." his breath was shaky.

"You know I'm not going to judge you for anything ever. You mean too much to me to lose you over something like that. I don't mean to offend you at all but why haven't you talked to Luke or Michael, I know they would listen and understand." I wanted to know what was going through his mind.

"That goes with the explanation. I don't-uh-really know how to start talking about it other than just saying it." He sat up and removed himself from me.

"Just start from the beginning I guess. I'll be right here listening. I'm not going to make you say anything you don't want to. I'm not going anywhere. I promise." I took his hand in mine and gave him a soft smile.

***TRIGGER WARNING: ABUSE AND SELF-HARM, if you ever need anything ever I'm always here to talk, my dms are open***

"It started when I was around 8 and Mali, my older sister was 13. My dad got fired for sexually assaulting one of his female co-workers. He would've been sued but I don't know what happened. My mom wanted to leave him, she wanted us to be safe without a rapist in our home but every time she brought it up he'd threaten us. He knew he couldn't touch her so he started hitting me to get her to stay. He said he'd stop if she stayed. It was the only way to her. She didn't really care about us, she just wanted to look good to the community. She didn't want to have the family that fell apart. He constantly told us that we were worthless and that the only reason that she didn't leave him and that they were together was because she was weak minded. Then I started a fight back and he hated it. It was a couple years after it started when he hit Mali for the first time. When I was 13 she was 18 about to move out to go to college. He said that she wasn't allowed to leave just like Mom. But then she filed for emancipation and she left me there. For the next 3 years all I endured was my father beating me and no one listening." he was crying at this point, not sobbing, silent tears streaming down his face, I continuously rubbed my thumb across the back of his hand.

"I tried to talk to so many people but no one believed me because of how well-respected he was even though he got fired. The whole city was full of sexist homophobic people. No one would listen to me, no one would even give me the time of day because they thought I was just looking for attention. I was 14 when I stopped talking. I couldn't take no one listening to me anymore. I walked into school that day and put a note on my principal's desk saying that I wouldn't, I wouldn't talk anymore." he gasped for breath, like he was reliving the events again.

"I remember the look on Luke's face when I wouldn't talk to him, he looked so betrayed and I didn't know what to do about it. I know I couldn't say anything. I told myself I wasn't going to talk to anyone, I know I wouldn't because I had that stubbornness but I didn't know it would go down this line. I didn't want to hurt anyone else in the process but I know that I broke his heart that day and then I did it again last night, I know I did. But then Luke and Michael told me about moving to Ohio and I thought it would be an amazing opportunity, start fresh, meet new people. But I was so scared because I knew my dad would have something to say about it. A couple months before we were due to leave to come here Mali took custody of me. She said it was supposed to be earlier but they wouldn't let her unless they had probable cause. I've been stalling about this but I really just need to go out and say it." he took an even deeper breath than before and I squeezed his hand as it was still in my grasp.

"As anyone in my situation would, I became depressed and I self-harmed almost daily. Obviously no one noticed just like no one noticed what was happening with my father and Mali. Just like my mother didn't pay attention to me. About six months ago I tried to kill myself and I just felt trapped. I felt numb. I felt empty. I felt as though there was nothing in the world that was worth my time and the world did not deserve an ugly spot like me on its beautifulness. I felt as though I was a burden to everyone and everything around me. And since it was during the summer Luke and Michael didn't know. I was only in the hospital for a week because my dad took me out. He said that I was fine. But once we got into the car and we were alone he told me how worthless I was and how I shouldn't have tried to escape him and how I was a failure. And how if I failed at killing myself that I'm just going to fail at everything else because I've got nothing to live for. He continuously put me down further and I couldn't take it. I hate talking about this because I've never talked about it to anyone before. You're the first person that I've talked to in almost 4 years and I can't believe that you have brought that light back into my life that I was searching for all of those years. I don't rely on you for my happiness, you just bring it. You're bright like the sun and like the sun is your star, you're my Star. You're the thing that I revolve around but provides me warmth. Do you know anything about the North Star?" I shake my head not knowing why this is relevant to our conversation.

"Everything revolves around it. It is the anchor of the world, it is a landmark that helps people who follow it determine their direction. It glows brightly and guards them towards a purposeful destination. It's a beacon of inspiration and hope to a lot of people. Ashton you're my North Star. You've given me so much in such a short period of time and I don't know what I would be doing without you. I wish I could explain how much you've done for me but I don't know how to put it into words." his tears stopped but mine were flowing freely.

"You don't have to say anything Cal. I know how much talking means to you I know that now. Thank you for sharing this with me. I know it was really really difficult. I'm happy I can be your North Star because you are mine. I don't think I'd be out of that toxic ass relationship" I attempted to make a joke, giving us both a chuckle.

"We are people who are both broken and even though it's for different reasons and different situations and shit like that we came together and I know it's really hard to talk about that stuff and I'm just really thankful that you're comfortable enough to share that with me. I wish someone as beautiful as you didn't have to go through all of that the world is a messed up place and I'm so sorry I didn't know you because trust me when I say this, I would have listened to you. I would have believed you. I would have done everything in my power to make sure that you were safe because I would care about you and I do care about you but I just wish I could have earlier. I wish my mom never moved out of Perth and I wish that I stayed there. I wish we knew each other earlier and I wish so many things could have happened. But I'm so thankful for what we have now because this is most definitely something special and something worthwhile. You are one of the most beautiful people inside and out I've ever met. I mean every word I say to you unless it is in anger but I don't get angry that easily only if you're a cheating lying dirtbag of a person." I wanted to say those three words but I knew it was too early. Things aren't that simple. But I do feel that way about him. And I'll never forget this moment, when I fell in love with my soulmate.

"Thank you for being here for me Ash. No one's a real person to me like this." he smiled a bit but I could see it in his eyes that it wasn't true. He's truly hurting and I'm not able to do anything to help him besides be there for him. I could just hold his hand and listen to him.