Living For Myself (Sequel)

Final Goodbye

*A/N* Thank you to _carmelite for the cover, it is truly stunning and I'm so happy with it! Thank you so much! Enjoy the sequel you guys, I hope it lives up to the original!

Looking down at her still, pale, and deceased body made me sick to my stomach. I can't believe that the first person I truly loved, with all my heart, passed away before me. I figured I would have been the first to go out in a blaze of glory... or, more than likely, food poisoning with deadly nausea and diarrhea. The point is though that I'm here at my girlfriend's... I mean ex-girlfriend's funeral... She looks as if she could wake up any moment right now and just whisper my name into my ear with that cheeky little grin on her face...

I miss her...

To put the cherry on top of this depression spiral of greatness, her parents have yet to even come. From the gossiping that I've heard in the back of the room though, the two of them are in Fiji right now having the time of their lives. Their daughter, whom they faked loving excessively, is dead. She is dead and they are miles and miles away, partying their asses off. Meanwhile, in the entrance to the funeral, I swear I keep seeing that creepy Conner guy watching me. I've caught him a few times as he licked his lips watching me.

I haven't even been able to go up and see Nora for the last time as the family gets to view her before anyone else again and "pay their respects", but all anyone had been doing is laughing and pointing at me. Yes, I may be wearing a nice dress and heels and everything while the rest of them wore jeans, sneakers, and t-shirts, but I am the one who did this right. She is... was my girlfriend, why can't I go up yet? No one is moving at all, and I'm about to start throwing chairs at these prissy and filthy people.

Finally, after I finished charging myself up, I stepped up to say my final goodbyes. It's almost like, every time that I see her, the hair she has left thins by the moment and the flowers placed over her body wilt more and more with the minutes that pass. It still makes me cry like a little baby to see her like this, to know that in the matter of an hour I wouldn't be able to see her again...

No one spoke about her, no one told stories about her, no one hired a minister or priest, it was all just quiet except for the little gossiping that was going on in the background. Nora loves her family no matter what they all put her through, and this is the thanks she gets. It's sickening. How could someone as amazing and generous as her be treated like absolute dog shit?

Is this what it's going to be like when I die?

Maybe I should have been the one to die instead of her. I wanted to give her my body, I wanted to trade places with her, but she didn't want pity. Nora just wanted to be happy for once. She wanted to be loved by someone... I still don't even know if there's a god or if I believe in any supernatural beings, but, for what it may be worth, I want her to go to heaven if it exists. I want her to have eternal happiness. Here I am, giving a whole speech in my head, but I'm too much of a pussy right now to stand up and speak about her publicly. Just the thought of Nora in general makes me tear up, so I can only imagine what doing a eulogy for her would do to me... Oh god I wish I would stop reminding myself that she's... that she's gone.

Would anyone speak about me at my funeral?

I'm sure Nora is looking down at me, regretting that she dated a cunt like me. Fuck I'm so pathetic. I'm so worthless. I didn't do anything. I failed her. It's always my fault, it's always me, I did this... How could anyone ever date me? I'm sure Nora probably wanted to kill me well over just a few times.

I wish I would just die.

No one would miss me, no one would mourn me, no one would notice if I died right here. There's nothing left for me to live for, the only thing or only one I had is the person who is laying in the casket right in front of me.

It should be me in there.

I want to be with her, I want to join her, I can't go on, I just can't! There's nothing left to live for...

Live for yourself.

I can't.

You promised her that you'd try to find a cure, help other people, and fulfill her dream. Are you going to really walk all over the promise you made to her?

She's gone, it doesn't matter.

Stop being such a selfish prick and get over yourself. Someone just died and you really think offing yourself will fix it all?

It's not that I just—.

Stop.

I can't. I miss her too much. She was my life, I can't just pretend like she never existed!

You don't have to. You just need to continue on and pay respect to her each day by doing all you can for the promises you made to her.

You're right... god I'm insane for arguing with myself, it's sad. It's only a matter of time before they carry out the casket, but I don't even know if they're immediately burying her or if they're cremating her. It makes me sick just thinking about either of those happening, but it's how life goes.

Many minutes pass and people started to leave, but no one had come up to carry out the body. There was no one I even knew there who I could ask about what was going on, but I needed to ask someone what was going on. The closest person was a short, stocky man with a clean shaven head, so I quickly mustered up the courage to speak to him.

"Sir... do you know who is carrying out Nora's body?" He shook his head, not even bothering to verbally answer me before leaving. One by one, everyone else left until I was the only one left. A man in a suit came into the building that the funeral was held in and gasped once he looked around to see no one was there besides me.

"Ma'am, where are the pallbearers? I'm the driver of the hearse to take Ms. Goebel to the crematorium as per her parents' request." I stood there while tears fell down my cheeks and to the ground.

"They all left, there's no one else here." I replied, leaning down into Nora's casket as I wept into her. The man sighed, figuring out what else to do as there was no way we could even carry her and the casket together.

"It'll be awhile, but I'll need to contact some others to come help. Are you family?" I shook my head before looking back up at him.

"No, but we were going to be eventually. We...dated... nothing more sadly." The man nodded, not knowing how else to respond to me. It took hours before anyone else came and Nora could be properly carried out. That extra time with her refreshed my mind. It was even almost like she was actually still here and we were in a date. Yeah, I know, it's a little morbid probably, but I can't help it. At this point, I'll take something a little dark.

I followed the hearse to the crematorium, craving all the time I could possibly get before I would no longer be able to see her lips, her hair, her cheeks, her everything... Her entire being is already haunting my thoughts. From the moment her body left the car and entered the building, my eyes refused to let up. I cried. I cried like a little bitch baby. She was finally gone forever and there was nothing else I could do. Now all that's left is to maintain the will to live and move on for her... for myself. It will be hard, but I need to think about myself for once.

Before driving off and back to the school dorms, I took one last look at the building. She was gone and there was no going back now. Tomorrow starts a new day and there's nothing more to be done besides continuing on. From now on, I have to live for myself...