Living For Myself (Sequel)

Spiral

A blinding light shined through my closed eyelids, blinding me almost instantly. One was lifted up and soon the other was as well. I couldn't move, talk, breathe, blink, I couldn't do anything. I couldn't even feel my heart beat... was I dead?

"She has no pulse, someone grab the defibrillator!" A paramedic shouted. His cries for help only confirmed my suspicion as a maniacal laughter filled my head.

You did it.

It didn't even feel like I had actually died, but I was watching my final moments in my own body without any capability to do anything. It was horrifying. I could feel even the slightest rigor mortis setting from inside of this body that was almost done housing my soul. Suddenly, a jolt of electricity ran through me, making me feel as if I had gone back into my body fully for just a moment.

"We're going to shock her again, stand clear!" They shouted. I braved myself, wanting nothing more than to just pass on. The jolt ran through me once again. This time though, I went back in fully. I opened my eyes wide, glaring instantly at the one who had brought me back.

"Why?" I screamed, "I wanted to die! Why bring me back? Why make me suffer? I didn't want this!" Without any sort of explanation, the paramedic instantly sedated me and I passed back out again...

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I don't know how many hours it had been, but I awoke to an array of machines hooked into my body as if I was being barely kept alive. I had just gotten out of the hospital, but here I am again under different circumstances... Nora made a lot of trips to the doctor, I'm sure that was hard on her... Fuck, here I am thinking about her again! I need to forget about her, I need to continue with my life... but why is it so hard to?

Because you were meant to die with her.

Oh don't you start again, you're the one who got me into this damn mess! Here I am getting charged who know how much for this bullshit when I have zero dollars to pay for it. Zilch. Nada. I'm broke and a college student.

Fine, fine... I'll just come back when you're not smart.

I sighed as the voice shut up finally. Just as soon as I woke up though, two medical students came into my room and smiled faintly at me.

"Are you doing alright there? No pain or anything?" One asked. I thought for a moment before realizing I had been strapped down against the gurney, preventing me from seeing my own wounds.

"Well I can't tell what exactly is wrong with me, so I'm gonna go with a no." I replied with a frown. Neither knew how to respond and simply walked out of the room to leave me chained up alone. It was quiet besides the insistent humming and beeping coming out of the machines, but even that didn't calm me down. The static in my brain made it hard to concentrate as I could tell that the voice was trying to come back and pester me. I hated it, but also loved it. I was alone in my own body for once, yet it was as if I wanted it to come back and haunt me even at the cost of my own life. Then again, I still didn't even want to live.

Minutes and then hours passed before someone finally came into the room with me again. This time, it was the doctor. A lady with short grey hair and slim glasses with a unemotional looking facial expression. She looked at me and nodded.

"I take it you're confused. We needed to do that to keep you safe, you're considered a danger to yourself and possibly others." She said frankly, checking all of my vitals. "Your heart rate is elevated, your blood flow is abnormal, you had a severe loss of said blood, you have an absence of necessary vitamins and amino acids, and you are in critical condition." She said, sighing loudly. "You caused quite the ruckus too. A bunch of students came charging in with you and nearly dropped you twice as well as an older women practically attacked a young medical student to get into the building to see you." I stared at her for a few moments with a grim look, scared about how everyone would react once I had returned to school. The doctor noticed this and placed a hand lightly in my shoulder for reassurance before explaining how they had cared for my injuries and such before leaving the room.

It hadn't been long since I tried to off myself, yet it feels entirely like a dream. A dream where I'm alive but, in reality, I actually died and am just waiting to wake up in hell. No matter how much I try to pinch myself though, I can tell it isn't just a dream and that I'm actually alive. I finally got the courage to look down at my body and see the damage I had caused it. My left arm seemed to be completely mutilated by the excessive bandages wrapped around it, but I couldn't make out what happened to my thigh due to the gown I had on. Even now, sitting here, I still can't believe what happened.

I was caught in a moment of weakness between my judgement and ... that other thing. It got the best of me and won, so here I am. I'm lucky to even just be alive. I don't know anything else other than that because I don't remember much else that happened before it. Everything seemed like a blur right now, that time was standing still just for me.

I couldn't even have visitors until tomorrow due to the condition I'm in as well as my mental state, so I'm stuck in a nearly all white room with no one but me, myself, and I. How depressing but also understandable. I wouldn't want to be seen in this state anyways, revealing how weak I had become. I let my mind get the best of me and here I am, trapped in a hospital bed because of it...

I'm sure Nora is disappointed in me...