Living For Myself (Sequel)

Split

Winter pushed passed me as soon as she realized who had chased me all the way back to the room. Without so much as a word, she left and stomped back down where I had come from, leaving me alone in the room. I wasn't sure if I should go with her or stay where I was, but Winter knew the guy so maybe my presence would only get in her way. Minutes soon passed until an hour had finally gone by. My anxiety grew worse as more time passed without a single message or call from Winter. Knowing her, she'd be fine against that guy, but I didn't know if anyone else was involved.

"Fuck...!" I whispered to myself, slamming a fist against the wall in anger. It felt like there was nothing I could do to help. It seems like she was always the one coming to save me instead of me helping her in some way. All I had been doing was causing her problems and that was it. My existence really does seem to be just a bother to most people... scratch that all people.

Yeah, it's been like that. Your mom, your dad, Winter, Nora, it's obvious you were and are a problem for them.

"I know! You don't have to make me feel like shit more than I already do!" I screamed at the top of my lungs. My heart rate quickened as the hatred towards myself only grew more by the second. Was this really all I was? A bother? An obstacle? What?

All of the above. You're nothing but an issue.

Everything felt as if it was falling apart once again. It was as if I couldn't be stable for a single moment. Nothing could remain constant, but it was me who kept welcoming the chaos. It was like that's what kind of atmosphere and life I attracted, that's all there was to it.

That's exactly how it is. You'r existence is nothing but a negative one.

Yeah, that's true.

You'll only hurt those around you. Hatred, despair, depression, anxiousness, paranoia, that's your entire being. You have no positive aspects. All you cause is negativity.

I know I do, that's who I am.

So there's no issue with that?

No, there is, but I can't control it. I tried, but nothing is working to stop who I am.

Last time you failed, but there are always more chances to go through with it again and again until you hit your end finally.

That's not what I want though. Winter is here, Winter has helped me, Winter won't leave me.

Nora was the same way and look where she ended up. Dead.

Winter isn't the same... she isn't sick, there's nothing wrong like that with her...!

Do you really know that though?

...No, but I don't want to know if there is either. I'm scared. Scared to lose her, scared to be alone again, scared to be heartbroken, scared to start another cycle of pain and suffering... I want to be happy for once! Happiness that won't be temporary or be killed off.

The only way that happiness would be granted would be if you were gone. You can't because of yourself and no one can because of your presence.

That's not true, it's not my fault.

It is.

No, I haven't done anything! Nora's death wasn't my fault, I did what I could to be there for her and help her out!

Aren't you just trying to cover up for yourself? It was your fault that she wasn't able to live longer, your fault her parents were around less than before, your fault that she progressed further into your disease... These feelings wouldn't be here if you didn't actually feel them deep within yourself.

... Yeah... I blamed myself for what happened to Nora. She was my whole world from the moment I saw her on campus. I don't know why, but just the first sight of her made my heart skip a beat honestly. That first glance at her is what instantly made me develop feelings. I wasn't planning on pursuing it or trying to get closer to her, but then when we met there was no helping it...

I put my hands against my face, covering my eyes completely as I wept and slid towards the ground using the wall to help me down. There was no stopping my thoughts, both the good and the bad, it was far too late to try and put myself back together right now. Nora's death wasn't my fault, but I didn't help either. She was doing her best until I entered her life and immediately things went downhill for her. It was a shit show and I blamed myself for it. I still blame myself.

"I want things to be different with Winter. I care about her a lot, I want to get to know her more, there's nothing I wouldn't do to get that far either." I said to myself, seemingly trying to say it to the voice inside my head.

If you would do anything to make Winter happy, how far would you go?

The weeping stopped for a moment. I wasn't sure what to say or how to answer because I really didn't know to the extent my feelings with. On one hand, my emotional connection to Nora was still... strong... she's gone, but there are feelings of love for her still and the inkling that's she'll walk on into my life at any moment now. On the other hand, I know that won't happen... I'm trying to move on with, possibly, Winter who had accepted me with open arms for the most part, but what do I do about the feelings for Nora that still reside in me?

If you passed on to the next realm, you could still be with Nora. She's probably waiting for you as we speak.

No, that's an empty promise. I can't believe in anything like that happening, that will fill myself up with false hope. There's no point in even thinking on that opinion... even if it is apart of me that I don't express.

A slam of the door caught my attention as Winter had finally come back with a straight face. She looked fine, but somewhat emotionless as she walked over to me without a single hint of any type of happiness, sadness, irritation, or anything else.

"We need to talk." She said bluntly, entering her room while leaving the door wide open for my to follow her through...