Living For Myself (Sequel)

Struggle

*A/N: There will be mature themes in this chapter, so if you do not wish to read about suicide or self harm in any way, please do not continue forward. For those that will read, I hope you enjoy the chapter to the best of your ability!*

Watching her walk away broke my heart. Here was this amazing and beautiful girl who was more similar to me than her, but I fucked it all up again by not opening up. I shut her out, I ignored her plea, I locked away my honesty, it was all my fault.

Look what you did, you shattered her heart.

We barely knew one another, she wasn't that invested in me.

Oh, but you don't know that. Do you?

I... don't. She seemed attached already, but how could she? We barely talked in the month that had passed since she reached out to me.

Well, what about you then? You're that way.

I'm different. I'm stupid for being like that, but she's smart so she should know better.

She doesn't trust you now. You have no one. You're all alone again. Nora isn't here to save you—

"Don't talk about her!" I screamed out loud. Heads turned to look at me with confusion and fright. I hadn't realized what I done until a security guard walked up to me and escorted me out of the cafe with a warning. No one knew what was going on inside of my head, not even me. It was all a disaster now, it was just one big mess. Things couldn't get worse at this point with my mom choosing my father over me, to the car being fucked up, to now losing the one person I could come to trust finally. "It is all my fault, isn't it?" The voice inside my head laughed, almost as if it had planned for this.

That's a stupid question, of course it's your fault! You fucked everything up. Everything.

I did this? I really did? I... I didn't mean to. It was an accident!

So? That's no excuse. You're such a waste of life right now. Cowering as if you did nothing wrong. Your mom chose your father for a reason. You got hit for a reason. Winter left you for a reason. They wish you would just disappear.

"I should, shouldn't I?" I asked myself, no, I asked them. I get it now, there's no point anymore. I'm a waste of life, I have been this whole time. Maybe I should disappear... I want them to be happy.

Without much thinking, I immediately started sending both Winter and my mom messages. If I was going to disappear, I want one last moment to message them. Winter may not have been in my life long, but she made me actually laugh for the first time in a long time. My mom deserves to know what I'm doing too since we were so close to one another. No matter what though, they will be the closest to my heart until my last moments. At least I'll be leaving this miserable place to be with her. With Nora.

I quickly finished up both messages to them, sulking as I trudged along to my room. My roommate would still be there, but I'm sure she'll leave soon enough so she wouldn't have to be the one to find me possibly. Right when I walked into the door, she smiled at me and winked.

"I heard a rumor you had a little date. How'd it go?" She asked. I didn't answer her, walking past her to get into my room and lock the door. "Um, ok. I guess we'll talk later? I'm going out for a run!" She shouted, slamming the door behind her. I smirked, sitting down into my bed while pulling out my desk drawer to grab the closest thing I had to use. Inside there was a box cutter that I used for the care packages my mom sent me. My smile faded as the reality of what I was about to do hit me.

"I'm stupid, aren't I?" I asked, chuckling out of pure nervousness.

No, you're smart for ending it all early on. You'll be with Nora now, your true love.

My hand pulled the cutter out, placing it against the skin on my thigh first. I couldn't go forward yet, not until I became accustomed to the cold, sharp blade. It pierced my skin easily, oozing out red liquid against the blade. My eyes twitched in pain from seeing this, moving the cutter up, down, and across the area. Not long after, I brought it against my left forearm, pressing it loosely to my cold skin. I was already bleeding profusely from my previous injuries, so it became hard to see what I was doing from the tears gathering in my eyes.

"I deserve this, don't I?" I asked myself and the voice. The sound of them grunting as if to say yes made the tears fall right into my bleeding thigh.

You deserve every bit of pain that meets you. Do it. End it all.

Then, I did it. I began moving it lightly across before going deeper while wincing in pain. Just as I was about to hit my vein, a pounding came at my door from multiple people.

"Adelle! Open up now! Please! Don't do anything stupid!" The voice cried out. It was Winter. Along with her was a guy screaming as he began to kick down the door. My hands dropped to my sides as it all became clear. No one was mad at me, no one wanted to make me disappear. They're here, trying to save me... but I'm not worth saving. I pushed the blade in again, screaming as it hurt more. Suddenly, my door burst open with five people rushing into my room. The only ones I recognized were my roommate and Winter. The rest must have been help they gathered. Once inside, I dropped the cutter and smiled.

"I hope this is enough." I said faintly, falling to the floor while their voices got drowned out. It felt like time had stopped and it was all over for me. Because of this, the voice finally shut up. I was finally alone in my body now and I was happy. I was alone in my thoughts for once...