They Never Said It Would Be Easy

April 21, 2018

Things are still difficult following the end of our relationship. I am distraught. How could things end like this? So easily, without him seeming to care at all. I still haven't heard from him once. Not one phone call, not one text message. At first it was killing me. I constantly had an ache in my chest. It felt like I had a cinder block resting on my chest, getting heavier and heavier by the second. It was almost impossible for me to get out of bed. It made the simple task of getting up to get a glass of water ten times more difficult than it should have been. Eventually, as time went on, the feeling started to dissipate and it turned into a dull ache. I am still feeling that now, but I know that with more time it will eventually go away. I also start to feel somewhat appreciative of the fact that Colin hasn't tried to contact me. Not appreciative towards him, I am still furious with the way he let our relationship fall apart, but appreciative of the fact that I am starting to miss him less, even if it is the most minuscule difference. If we had stayed in contact, I don't think that I would be able to get over him. I would always have this idea that the door was cracked open, and I would be unable to ignore that small possibility of one day continuing where we left off.

I am sitting on the couch, staring at the concert tickets I had in my hands, the ones I bought for Colin and I's anniversary. That, obviously, wasn't going to happen anymore. Maybe I would give them away to Casey and Connor. They have been together for about two years now and they deserved to have a fun night out. They were both so busy with work all of the time and I was sure that giving them a concert to look forward to would help them release any stress they had been feeling. Plus, it's a free concert. Who wouldn't accept free concert tickets?

I can hear keys in the lock and see the door handle twist. Casey walks through the door, exhaustion present on her face.

"How was your day?" I ask.

Casey sets her bags on the island in the kitchen and sits down to start taking off her shoes. "Oh, you know, the usual. Insanely busy, meaning that I didn't even get to take a lunch break." I feel bad for her. She works her ass off every day and rarely has anything fun to look forward to. Whenever she isn't at work, she is at the apartment, usually with Connor, passed out on the couch. This is the perfect time to surprise her with the tickets.

"Well, I have a surprise for you," I say, a smile spreading across my face.

"This is the happiest I've seen you in weeks, Gigi!" she says, her bad work mood immediately lightening up. " Well, spit it out!"

"You know how I bought those concert tickets for Colin and I? Well it's clear that that isn't going to happen anymore and I don't want them to go to waste, so I decided that you and Connor are going to see the 1975 tomorrow night!" I pick up the tickets from off of the coffee table and hold them out to Casey. She grabs them from my hand, a curious look appearing on her face.

"Oh G! You're so sweet! But," her eyes light up, grabbing my hands and jumping up and down, "I have a better idea. Tomorrow night, you and I are seeing the 1975!"

"Oh I don't know. I don't know if I'm feeling up to it. Plus, it would be a really fun night for you and Connor."

"Yeah it would be fun with Connor, but it would be better with you. I can't let you give away these tickets when you have been dying to see them. Colin is gone, not you. There's no reason that you can't go. Plus, I can't let you sit inside of this apartment forever. You need to get out for a night and I am not taking no for an answer," Casey says, trying her very hardest to convince me to leave this apartment and attend the concert with her. Maybe she is right. I can't stay in here forever and wallow in my own self-pity. I need to get out and go back to my normal life, with or without Colin by my side.

It is the night of the concert and Casey is super excited, but I am still a bit wary of going out. I am used to staying at home and honestly, the 1975's music can really do a number on your heartstrings and I don't want them to put the memories of my relationship with Colin in my head. It has only been two weeks since the breakup and I am really not in the mood to cry at a concert, but there is no way Casey is going to let me out of this one.

"I already laid out your outfit on your bed," Casey yells across the apartment from the bathroom where she is curling her hair. "I figured we would buy some t-shirts or something, so you're going to wear black skinny jeans, white high-top vans, and a simple black tank top, you know, so we can put the new shirt on top of it."

Although it sometimes feels like Casey is acting like my mom, I am grateful for it because at this point in my life I needed someone to act like that at all times. My mom is an hour south so having Casey around and keeping me on track is actually a good thing. I walk into my room and start to get dressed. Once I am finished, Casey insists on doing my makeup.

"You know how sweaty it gets in there, so I'm just going to apply some mascara and lip gloss so that you don't have makeup running down your face. Plus, I don't think Matty Healy is interested in a cake face." I give her a look like she is insane. Matty Healy will never notice a girl like me. Casey stared at me through the mirror, "What? You never know."

We get to the venue at exactly 7:00, right when the doors opened. If I am going to this concert, I am going to make sure I have the best view possible. Once they open, Casey grabs my hand and we rush through the crowd. The place is packed, even worse than traffic on the 5 freeway during rush hour. We make our way past packs of people, eventually landing ourselves in a decent spot, middle of the crowd, center stage.

"Gigi, you stay here and claim our spots while I buy us shirts. Do not budge, got it?"

"I got it. I'll be waiting right here when you get back. Get me something from their second album," I say, handing her $40.

"It's on me, you gave me a free concert ticket. I'll get the best shirt possible, even if I have to rip it from someone's hands," Casey says, giving me her evil genius look as she turns and makes her way through the crowd.

When Casey comes back, she hands me my shirt and I slip it on over my tank top. Casey's idea to wear the tank top was perfect. They open the show with "UGH!" a song from their most recent album that is sure to pump up the crowd. As the concert rages on, they play a combination of music from all of their albums, hitting all of my favorite songs. I am having the night of my life with my best friend by my side. Nothing can ruin this moment. This is the first time in weeks that I feel free, free from the stresses of my work life, my family life, and my recently failed relationship. That is, until "Somebody Else" comes on. This is a slow song about the end of a relationship, how one partner is hurt to see the person they once loved move on with somebody else. I haven't heard from Colin since the breakup. Did I ever cross his mind? Did he miss me at all? Was he already moving on with someone else? Casey looks over and must  see a change in my demeanor. "Hey, it's okay. I'm here, G," she says, putting her arm around me and resting her head on my shoulder. That small reassurance from my best friend is enough to stop the wheels turning in my brain and allows me to let the sad memories escape from my mind. I am happy, seeing one of my favorite bands of all time with my best friend in the world. I realize in this moment that I do not need Colin to be happy. It is no longer Colin and Gianna. It is just Gianna from now on, and I am starting to be okay with that.

When we get home from the concert, I am absolutely exhausted. The concert lasted for a couple of hours and Casey and I definitely lost our voices from singing every single song. My voice is definitely going to be nonexistent for the next week, but it is so worth it. This is the first time in weeks that I am able to let go of my worries and just have fun for a change. As I am putting on my pajamas and brushing my teeth, I finally start to think about how the world is now my oyster. For the first time in four years, I don't need to focus on anyone but myself. I have free will to do whatever I want, whenever I want. I don't need to answer to anyone, especially when they don't care about me enough to stay in life. I am actually excited to wake up in the morning and live my life as a single woman in my twenties in LA. This is the first time that I don't cry myself to sleep since the breakup. I am moving forward.