They Never Said It Would Be Easy

September 16, 2018

I let myself sleep in as long as I possibly can to avoid thinking about everything that happened last night. I figured the longer I sleep, the longer I can avoid my problems, but of course, my body wakes me up at 8:00 am and I can't fall back asleep. I didn't think it was possible, but I feel worse this morning that I did last night when I watched Brooks leave me and screamed at Colin to get out. My head is pounding so I force myself out of bed and walk into the kitchen to grab a glass of water and some Advil to ease the pain. I swallow both of the pills and head back to my room. I'm so close to throwing myself on my bed when I hear footsteps approaching from the hallway.

"Is everything okay?" Morgan asks from down the hall. "You seem really out of it, G."

"Is it okay if we don't talk about this right now? I just need to be alone. I'm sure you will hear about it from Eli," I respond as I close my door and lock it. I know that she just wants to help, but I really need to be alone. I need to figure out how to fix this mess that I have found myself in. 

Once I lay down I try my hardest to fall back asleep. I toss and turn for at least an hour, and I  eventually drift to sleep. 

I'm standing hand in hand with Brooks, walking to his car after his shift ends. We drive home, belting out the lyrics to our favorite music and park the car in front of my apartment. I grab his hand and rush him up the stairs because we both can't wait any longer to crawl into bed with each other. I fumble for the key and unlock the door. He grabs me by my waist and we crash into the wall, pressing our lips together, barely letting up to catch our breaths. We move from wall to wall, continuing our rough, yet passionate kisses as we undress each other. I grab his shirt and pull it over his head as he unbuttons my pants. I pull my own shirt over my head as he pulls off his pants. We make our way through the doorway of my room and fall onto my bed, removing the rest of our clothing. 

"Gianna I-" he interrupts his sentence as he presses his lips first to my jaw, then down my neck. His teeth skim against my skin and I can't help but arch my back and suck in a deep breath.

"Say it Brooks," I command as I flip over and jump on top of him, straddling him, moving my lips from his neck down his naked body. 

"I love you."

I suddenly awake from my dream, out of breath and longing for the dream to continue. But I sit up and realize that it's not real. It is everything I want and more, yet it is only a figment of my imagination. I bury my head in my hands, wishing that I can go back in time and change my actions from the night before. But even if I did go back in time, I would still have to face Colin eventually. If it wasn't last night, it would have to be soon. 

Now that I've had this dream, I realize that going back to sleep isn't my best option. I need to find another way to keep myself busy. I walk over to my bookshelf and look for something to read. Reading is by far one of my favorite hobbies, but I never have the time to do it. This is the perfect time to find a good book to immerse myself in to help me escape my current situation. 

As I look through the books on my shelf, I stop when I find the book I proofread before Bennett Fischer published it. I flip In Her Hands over and read the synopsis on the back. It seems like the main character, Haley, is facing a similar situation as me. She has to choose whether to follow the path that people expect of her, go to school, get a 9-5 job, and start a family with the boy next door, or go down a path that isn't so ordinary with a guy she never expected to have feelings for. Maybe this book can help me figure out my own life? It is worth a try. 

For the last few hours I have done nothing but read this book. It has helped me escape from my own reality and focus only on the characters in the book while simultaneously learning lessons in love. At the end of the book, Haley chooses the guy that is spontaneous over the guy that can offer her stability. She was so happy in the end and I think that this can be the case for me, but I remember that my life isn't a book and I have to make realistic decisions going forward. Books end with happy endings but real life goes on whether there is a happy ending or not.