They Never Said It Would Be Easy

December 12, 2018

"I am so sorry Gigi. I know how hard this must be for you but I swear I will make it up to you. Just give me another chance. Please."

This is what Colin said yesterday, when he had to bail on my family's plan to commemorate the one year anniversary of my father's death. I see a pattern forming, just like the one that caused our breakup in the past. I can't help but beat myself up over the fact that I am letting him do this to me again, that I chose to be with Colin when I could have been happier with someone else, or even just on my own.

Yesterday

I thought I was finally moving forward, coming to terms with my dad no longer physically being in my life, until I woke up this morning morning. It was the one year anniversary of losing him and the second I woke up I felt physically ill. I was sweating, my pajamas completely soaked, yet I was freezing and needed layers and layers of blankets to warm me up. Once I sat up, I could feel it emerging from the pit of my stomach. I had to run to the bathroom and expel everything from my body. Living without him for the past year has been so difficult, but today, reliving the events  of what happened exactly one year prior, was unbearable. Waking up to a phone call so early in the morning, remembering sitting in the darkness in my room, staring out my window, hoping that it wasn't the call but just knowing that it was the call was easily the worst moment of my life. It was like my body knew, before I even woke up, that yesterday was the day and my body was forced to react the same way it did when I first realized that he was gone.

Once I found the strength to pull myself up from the bathroom floor, I got dressed and drove down to my mom's house. Once I arrived, I walked inside to find her, my aunt, and their parents on the couch waiting for me. It turns out that my dad's parents weren't able to make it out to my mom's house and would be grieving on their own. I thought that this was probably for the best. It was clear that my mom had started her day long before I arrived and had been crying for hours by the look of her swollen and red eyes, so just having her sister and parents around would make things a lot easier for her.

I sat with all of them on the couch and the next hour or so consisted of crying. Crying for the loss of my father, the loss of a husband, the loss of a brother, the loss of a son. I needed this. For the past year I have been holding it together as best as I could, trying to not show the pain I had been feeling since we lost him, trying to convince everyone that I was okay, that everything was fine, when it couldn't be further from the truth. I wasn't okay, and I'm still not. I knew people who lost a parent or a loved one and I tried my best to empathize with them and understand what they were feeling. I thought I understood it, but I didn't. Not until I felt the loss myself. They always say how difficult it is, but they never said it would feel like this. Like a piece of you is missing, a piece that is impossible to replace no matter how hard you try. No one can ever replace him and I would never want anyone to, but I want to feel okay again. I don't want to constantly feel like I'll never fully be put back together again.

The rest of the day was filled with home videos and stories of him. I watched him teach me how to swim in my grandparents backyard. I watched him hold my hand as he walked me into my kindergarten classroom. I watched him take me trick or treating while I dressed up as Ariel and he dressed up as King Triton. As I watched all of the home videos, I could see how he really was there for me through everything. He was perfect and I was so lucky to have him as long as I did.

By the end of the day, the tears were gone and the room was filled with laughter and joy. Of course we were heartbroken that he wasn't there with us, but reliving old memories together made things better and I know that as time goes on, things will eventually get easier.

After spending the day with my family, I drove back to LA and went to sleep, hoping to dream of old family memories with him. I wanted it to feel like he was with me again.