They Never Said It Would Be Easy

November 22, 2018

Today I am going back home for the first time in months to spend time with my family for Thanksgiving. This is our first big family get-together since my dad passed away in December. We didn't celebrate Christmas last year because we couldn't fathom celebrating a holiday without my dad around. The feelings of loss that I have buried so deep for so long are emerging as a drive down the 5 south freeway towards my childhood home and are forming a knot in my stomach. My hands are sweating as I grasp the steering wheel, trying my best to focus on the road in front of me. I try to clear my mind of everything that I am dreading. Family members saying how sorry they are for my loss, my mother crying as she sees everyone sitting with their spouses while she sits alone, listening to everyone share that they are thankful for their family while we think about how we are thankful for what is left of ours.

The worst part about going home today is that I don't have Colin with me. In all honesty, I'm not that surprised. Although he made a promise to be home more, that promise is starting to break. He was gone the first two weeks of November and when he got home he swore that he would be by my side on Thanksgiving, a day that I told him I needed him more than ever. Unfortunately, his plans changed and he was putting work first. Bad habits die hard and my bad habit of trusting too soon is killing me.

Yesterday night before we went to bed.

"So tomorrow we need to leave the apartment by 11:00 to get to my mom's house by 1:00. Everyone is showing up at 2:00 and we need to help her get everything ready before they show up," I said as I shut off my bedside lamp.

"Um Gianna. I'm so sorry. Work called earlier today and they need me for a story tomorrow. I'll only be gone for a few days, I swear."

"But I told you that tomorrow is really important to me. I need you there."

"I know. I know how important it is to you, but I can't turn this down. This can change my career forever. They need me," he says turning towards me, reaching out to pull me into him.

I need him, but I guess he needs them more. As he grabs to pull my waist into him, I turn away from him and scoot as far away from him as possible, almost falling off the bed. He better be gone by the time I wake up in the morning.

I turn onto my street and pull into my driveway. My anxiety is building and I need to relax before I see my mom. I can't have her worrying about me when she has a full dinner to plan and she needs to worry about herself. Knowing how difficult this is for me makes me realize how much worse it will be for her. I take a few deep breaths, get out of my car, and walk through the front door.

"Mom! I'm here!" I yell as I open the door, looking around for my mom. As I walk into the foyer, a feeling of relief floods through my body. Everything is the same as I left it. The cluster of family photos on the wall is exactly the same. I see photos of myself in my swim cap and goggles as a child, a photo on my first day of high school, my parent's wedding photo, and a photo of the three of us, my mom, dad and I, celebrating my dad's birthday a few months before he passed. I can't help the pool of tears that form in my eyes, but this time they aren't sad tears. They are happy. I haven't looked at a happy photo of the three of us in so long. It instantly brought me back to the last time we were all together. I miss him more than anything. I feel a longing for him more and more every day, but now I can finally think of our happy memories together, not the negative feelings of loss.

"I'm in the kitchen!" she responds back. I make my way to her and find her rushing to make the mashed potatoes and gravy. "The turkey will be done in five minutes. Do me a favor and pull it out of the oven when the timer goes off?"

I agree, of course. She looks so stressed. I can't help but come up behind her and give her a big hug. She's tense when I first wrap my arms around her, but after a few seconds she melts into my arms. She sets down the pot of potatoes and turns to face me, hugging me back. I start to feel her shake and feel the tears flowing from her eyes onto my shoulder. She tugs on me tighter and I pat the back of her head, letting her know that I am feeling the same way and allowing her to use my body as support when hers ultimately fails to keep her standing on her own.