They Never Said It Would Be Easy

September 22, 2018

Today is the day that I have to decide who I want a second chance with and hope that they let me back into their life. I have had a week to think about it, going back and forth between who I need more in my life. Colin, the guy I loved for four years before he chose his work over me. Brooks, the guy that I despised for months until he won me over on a day trip around LA. I've tried to contact both of them this week. Brooks never responded to any of my texts or calls and Colin responded right away, asking to meet up for coffee and talk. I agreed, but I wanted to wait a few days so that I could make a decision without anyone persuading me one way or another. 

I look at myself in the mirror one last time before I head out the door to meet with Colin. I decided to leave my hair natural, so mostly straight with a few waves, and I touch up my mascara. For my outfit, I didn't want to seem too eager to see him so I threw on some jeans and a comfy sweater. I grab my purse and keys and close the door behind me as I walk down the stairs and towards the coffee shop just down the street. When I arrive at the door, I can see Colin through the window, sitting at a table for two with two drinks, one for him and one waiting for me. I take a few deep breaths to settle my nerves before I walk in. 

The bell chimes as I open the door and Colin turns, his gaze meeting mine. I can't help but produce a small smile as I make my way towards his table. 

Colin gets up and pulls out my chair, motioning for me to sit down. "Thank you for meeting me today. I know I had the worst timing last weekend. I should have knocked and I'm really sorry. I wanted to see you so badly and I didn't even stop to think that you might not have wanted to see me."

I take a sip of my coffee while I formulate a response. "It's okay, Colin. You definitely should have called, or at least knocked, but I forgive you. I'm sorry for kicking you out. With so much happening in such a short period time I just needed time to think, alone."

"I understand. I'm so sorry, Gigi, for everything. I ended things so horribly and I regret it. I never should have broke up with you. You were perfect and I was going through such a big change with starting my journalism career." Colin tries to look me in the eye during his apology, but I can tell he is ashamed of his actions. He looks down and fumbles with his hands.

"Can I ask you one question? One that has been eating away at me?" I'm so nervous to ask these questions because I am so scared to hear the answers.

"Anything." He grabs my hands, making me feel comfortable with him.

I take a deep breath and ask him what has been on my mind since the night we broke up. "How come you never tried to contact me? Not once? Did you miss me at all?"

Colin opens his mouth like he's trying to speak, but nothing comes out. I guess he really didn't miss me at all.

"You don't have to answer that. I get it." I can't help the look of sorrow on my face. I was upset that he never cared to contact me, but now I'm embarrassed that he pretty much just admitted it to my face.

"No Gianna that not what I meant. I missed you more than anything. I thought I wanted to be alone to focus on work, but I was sadly mistaken. In all honesty, I felt lighter the first week, but then I regretted everything. I wanted you, I needed you in my life, but I knew that I just ruined everything. I thought I could move on and forget about you. That's why I never contacted you. But the more time that passed, the more I realized that I messed up and the more I realized that it was too late to reach out. But when I came back to LA, for a break from work, I had no choice but to come see you. I needed to see if there was any chance of you taking me back."

I don't know what to say. All of this information that he is throwing at me is overwhelming. Up until a week ago I knew exactly what I wanted in life. I was working at Bennett Fischer Publishing, I was working towards writing my first book, and I had a guy that was crazy about me, a guy that was falling for me. But that all changed once Colin came back to town. I thought I was over him, but clearly I'm not. I needed this coffee date with him. I needed to know what he was thinking. I needed to know if he ever thought about me at all. And I got my answers. He missed me. He wants to be with me. Now all I have to do is figure out what I want. 

"I'm really happy that we talked and that you are being honest with me. But if I'm being honest with you, I think I need a bit more time to figure things out. I'm not trying to string you along, I just need time to make the best decision for me. I'm sorry. I need to go." I push my chair back and stand up. I walk towards the door and turn around to look back at Colin one last time before I leave. His eyes meet mine and I look into those deep brown eyes that I couldn't get enough of for four years. I loved him, but I'm not sure if I still do. Why does everything have to be so complicated?

When I get home I lay in my bed and stare at the ceiling. I need to think, think back on my life and what I really need in it. I met Colin well over four years ago. From the second we met there was a connection. We went through a bit of drama with Casey before we were officially together, but once we were a couple, things were perfect. We were long distance, but we made time for each other whenever possible and I felt loved every single second I was with him. I never questioned his loyalty to me and I thought he was the one. But when we both moved to LA, things got complicated. I thought we would be together all the time, but with his new travel journalism job we saw each other less than we did when he was at Berkeley and I was at UCLA. I was no longer his priority and what used to be an equal, two-sided relationship became off-balanced and I was the only one putting in any effort. Things came to a boiling point and instead of working through it, Colin decided it would be easier to end things and completely cut me off.

Things were completely different with Brooks. We started off absolutely despising each other. I tried to be his friend, but he wanted nothing to do with me. This turned us into enemies. Every time we were around each other we were throwing rude remarks at one another, trying our hardest to push each other to our limit. Once he eventually crossed the line, he made an effort to make things right. And once we took the time to get to know each other, there was a sexual attraction that neither of us could ignore. We tried to deny our feelings for each other, which resulted in both of us getting hurt. When we decided to give it a chance, it was like magic. It was everything I wanted and more, but whenever something good happens to me, it always has to crash and burn. And that is exactly what happened when Colin walked through the door. 

My relationship with both of them were completely different, it is like comparing apples and oranges. I can't compare what I had with Colin with what I had with Brooks and it's something I don't want to do either. They are two completely different guys that were part of two completely different times in my life, well until now. Like the book In Her Hands, one is the practical, stable guy that every girl dreams of while the other is the spontaneous bad boy that every girl lusts over. I can't deny my feelings for either of them, but I can't have both. I have made my choice.

I start to dial his number on my phone. "Hey, can you come over? We need to talk."

About 20 minutes later I hear a knock on my door. I walk over to open it and when I do, I feel a sense of peace when I am met with his smiling face. 

"Hey," he says as I let him in. 

He leans in to hug me and I wrap my arms around him. He feels warm, safe, familiar. This is what I need. I need stability in my life while I try to maneuver my way through life in Los Angeles. I need support without the constant feeling of not being enough or not being the person they want to be with. I know he wants me. He messed up and he admitted to his mistakes and I can forgive him. He is the one that has been open to talking after everything that happened last week. He is fighting to make this work while Brooks won't give me the chance to explain anything or hear me out. 

"I want to try again. I want to try to make things work between us, Colin."