They Never Said It Would Be Easy

January 4, 2019

It has been a long week. A really long week. As soon as I get off work I find myself driving to an all too familiar destination. I have reserved this spot for times I am feeling at my lowest. Times that I feel alone in the dark and I need to find just the smallest bit of light to hang onto until I can get on my feet again.

I park my car and walk into LACMA. I buy a ticket and head straight outside to Urban Light. I find an open bench and sit down, knowing that I am going to be here for a while. As I look around, the sun is almost completely hidden behind the surrounding skyscrapers, leaving behind a small tinge of of orange against the black night.

It's crowded tonight. There are families, husbands and wives with their young children, groups of teenagers taking cliche photos with the streetlamps, and couples walking hand in hand admiring one another more than the exhibit itself.

From the bench I admire each of the 202 streetlamps. Where did each of them come from? How old are they? What have they been through before becoming part of an iconic exhibit? How much longer will they be here?

As I inquire the lives of these lamps and how they ended up here, I start to question my life and how I got to this point. I grew up with the most loving parents anyone could ever ask for. I succeeded in school. I am where I want to be with my career. I have incredible friends. I am living the life I have always dreamed of, with one exception. I want love. I want to be in love and I want to be loved. That is the one thing that is stopping me from being truly happy and for some reason I can't seem to get it right.

I start to daydream of a perfect life. I come home from my job at the publishing company to work on my next book. As I sit at my desk, he comes in to ask my about my day and to plan dinner. I look at him, knowing that he is it. He is the one I want to be with. I imagine him with dark brown hair and piercing green eyes, like someone I once knew, someone I am trying to forget. But it's hard when he is currently standing only a few feet away.

I rub my eyes and try to wake up from my daydream. When I open them again I realize that this is my reality. He is here, at the same exhibit, alone, focused on the piece in front of him.

Do I try again? Or do I pretend that I don't see him and try to escape unnoticed? By the time I make up my mind it's too late. He notices me. I have to say something.

I get up to my feet and slowly approach him as his eyes remain on me.

"What are you doing here?" I ask.

"I can ask you the same question," he says, looking down at his feet.

This is already better than last time. He actually seems somewhat welcoming to conversation.

I continue, "I come here every once in a while, just when I need a little light in my life."

"Me too. It kind of makes all of my problems feel almost insignificant compared to the world around me. Like I'm looking at life from a new perspective." Brooks is looking around, intrigued by the beauty before him.

This is my chance. I have him here, right in front of me, willing to talk. I have to give it another shot.

"Brooks, can we please talk? Have a real conversation so I can explain myself? I understand that whatever we had between us is over but I just want to put everything on the table and let you know what I am feeling."

"G, I don't know if it's a good idea-"

"I don't care. I need to do this. I need this to help me move on."

Brooks doesn't say anything. But he also doesn't walk away so I'll take it as a yes.

"I know that I hurt you and I am so sorry. You told me what happened in your last relationship and I put you through it again. I can never forgive myself for hurting you the way I did. But I need to let you know that I regret my choice to go back to Colin. I thought that I needed him. I thought that I needed to give him another chance to see if things would go back to how they used to be. But once I gave him that chance I realized that I didn't want things back to how they used to be. I'm not the same person I was back then. I have changed, a lot, and he isn't what I want anymore. He isn't what I need. I know that you have moved on, but I want you to know that if I could go back in time I would pick you in a heartbeat. A thousand times over."

There's a silence between us. I look up to meet Brooks's gaze and I see the wall he put up around himself crumbling. I see the gears turning in his head.

"G, I wanted you so badly. More than I have ever wanted anyone in my entire life. I thought we were finally going to be something. That day on the couch, before he came into your apartment, I was going to tell you how I felt."

"I remember Brooks. I remember our conversation. And I want to finish it right now." I can see his heart barely hanging on by a thread. I've just opened up a wound he has been trying to repair. "I love you too."

And just like that I can feel the despair emanating from his body. The heart that he has been trying so hard to put back together is completely shattered. Although I have finally reciprocated what he once felt for me, I know that it is too little, too late.

"We can't just go back to how things used to be, Gianna. You hurt me and I can't just forget that and move forward like nothing ever happened."

Deep down I knew this. I knew that even if he still had feelings for me it didn't mean that we would be back together. "I know. I know it's too late." I feel a lump in my throat and I can't help the tears that start to stream down my cheeks.

"I want you Gianna. I want nothing more than to be with you. I am still in love with you. I never stopped loving you. But I still have feelings of anger towards you and I can't just let it go yet. No matter how hard I try, they won't leave. I need time. We will never make it if I don't take the time to let these feelings disappear."

For the first time in months we are in each other's arms, holding on to what we once had. The feeling of his embrace makes me cry harder because I now fully understand his hurt and what we both lost. We both could have had the relationship we have always wanted, but I ruined it and he can't forget that I picked another guy over him. I can't blame him for it. He deserves so much better.

"Brooks," I make out between sobs, "I love you."

"I love you too," he says as he nestles his head into the crook of my neck. "Maybe after some time passes, when we are both in a better space, we can have another chance."

I want to stay here with him forever. I never want to leave his side. I never want his arms to unwrap themselves from my body. He is the missing piece that I need. My life feels whole when we are together. But I know that this feeling won't last much longer. We have to part at some point and that point is now.

We untangle ourselves and look at each other one last time before we go our separate ways. His eyes don't show the same hatred they have been filled with during the last couple of months. They show relief. Relief that we have finally had a conversation that we have both been needing for so long. Relief that we can now go back to our normal lives and move forward without any unfinished business. Although we are not together, I feel better knowing that my love for him was not one-sided. At one point I did have the guy I so desperately longed for. I may not have him anymore, but I can finally look back and know that what we had for each other was real.

As we part, I leave Urban Light with hope. Hope that I can finally move forward. Hope that I can finally be happy. Hope that Brooks and I will meet again under different circumstances and we can do things right.