They Never Said It Would Be Easy

May 12, 2018

"Hey G we are going to meet at Eli's apartment in two hours so you should start to get ready," Morgan calls out from the kitchen as I lay down in my bed. 

Did I really want to go out tonight? It would be the first time in months and I am so comfy with my abundance pillows and my blanket pulled all the way up to my chin. Am I ready to go pretend like everything is okay again? It's not like everything isn't okay. A full month has passed since I last heard from Colin. I have been processing the breakup and my life was slowly but surely going back to normal. I have been doing really well at work, with Bennett Fischer publishing five new books in the past few weeks and Bennett is giving me the "OK" to help decide what books make it through until the end. On a personal level, I am starting to spend more time with my friends. Sometimes I join everyone at Eli's house for a movie or game night, sometimes everyone gathers here, but one thing I still can't do is go to Connor's place. He is Colin's roommate, even if Colin is hardly there, and I am definitely not ready to be back over there yet. Sorry Connor, I don't care how nice and updated your place is, it just is not an option anymore. 

Before I get ready, I decide that I need to give my mom a call. I need to see how she is holding up. Although it may feel like it, I am not the only one going through hell. My mom has it worse than I do and I need to push my dark feelings aside to help lighten her world. She is grieving the death of her husband, like I am grieving the death of my father, but it is different for her. She is still living in the same city, the same house that she shared with him. I at least get to escape and live somewhere else. I dial her number. I really just want to hear her voice again. 

"Hi sweetie! I'm so happy to hear from you! Is everything okay?"

"Haha yes mom! Does my world need to be completely falling apart every time I call you?" I say sarcastically.

"Of course not. What have you been up to?"

"Not much, just work really. But I am supposed to go out tonight and I'm not sure if I'm up for it," I admit.

"Is this about Colin?" she asks.

"No mom of course not. I just haven't been out or have been drinking for a long time and it just feels like a lot all at once."

"G, can I give you a piece of advice?"

I don't respond. I nod my head like she can see me through the phone and she knows me so well that it's like she saw it. She continues.

"You can't sit around alone because you're scared. Trust me, I know it's hard, but once you get out there again, it's going to make things so much easier. Having fun is going to make you enjoy life again. Your friends miss you and they want to spend time with you, trust me. And after everything you have been through, I just want to see you happy. It's what your dad would want, too."

I pause and think about everything she is saying. She is right. The more I isolate myself from  my friends, the easier it will be for them to move forward without me. I need them more than anything and if I don't make time for them like they do for me, I'm going to lose them. I can't lose anyone else. 

"One more thing, Gigi. Timing is everything. Just because it doesn't work right now, doesn't mean that it won't work later. With him or with someone else."

My mom always knows the right thing to say and I am so grateful to have her to push me through all of the difficult times in life. She never lets me sit around and feel sorry for myself. Throughout my whole life, but even more so since my dad died, she pushes me to have fun and surround myself with people that make me happy because she knows, so well, that we do not have unlimited time. 

I start to put on some makeup. Some tinted moisturizer to even out my skin tone, neutral eye shadow, and thin line of black eyeliner, and some mascara. I straighten my hair, curled hair just doesn't look right on me, and then I go into my room to find an outfit.