Tonight is the night. I know I'm going to see him again, and I know that I am nowhere near ready to.
"It's okay, G. You look stunning. If you actually do run into him he won't be able to take his eyes off you," Casey says, talking to me through the mirror as I curl my hair.
But that's the problem. I don't want him to see me and I definitely don't want his eyes lingering on me. I know my chance has expired and tonight I want to have fun with my friends. I don't want to think about boys at all.
After Casey, Morgan, and I finish getting ready for New Years Eve we take a few shots and call a ride to take us over to Eli's apartment before we go out to the bars. As the car pulls up, I quickly take another shot while the others head out the door. I desperately need to be somewhat tipsy before I go to the apartment. There is a chance that I might run into Brooks considering he is Eli's roommate and I can't be sober for that encounter.
In Los Angeles everyone either goes to a massive New Years party at a mansion or they go out to the bars and this year we chose the latter. Saying I was excited for 2018 to end and for a new year to start would be an understatement. I've had a really, really rough year and I was ready to leave it all behind me. I know that it is naive to think that a new year means that all of last year's problem disappear, but at this point I am just holding onto a slim chance that once the ball drops and the clock ticks to midnight that the mess that last year was will no longer exist.
Let's start at the beginning:
1. I started the year without my dad.
2. Colin and I broke up.
3. I met a new guy and, you guessed it, ruined it.
4. I get back together with Colin just for it to crash and burn three months later.
5. I can't stop thinking about a guy that hates me more than anything.
This has definitely not been my best year, but in a few short hours it will be over and I can start over as the new and improved Gianna Matheson. I can focus on my career as a publisher and future writer and completely forget about love. Both Colin and Brooks will become fragments of the past and I can move forward without either of them in my life.
The girls and I walk into Eli's apartment and we are immediately greeted by Connor, Eli, James, and Eva.
"HAPPY NEW YEAR!" they all scream as they pop confetti and give each of us a shot to take.
"Woah woah woah," I say as I check the time on my phone. "We still have 2 1/2 hours until the new year!"
"Well technically it's 12:30 in New York, so we are actually about 30 minutes late," James adds.
I stick my tongue out in response as we all start to concoct some mixed drinks.
Once the clock hits 10:30 we head out for the night. We don't have a set plan, all we know is that we are going to West Hollywood and getting in the shortest line so that we are in a bar when the ball drops.
After about 30 minutes in line we finally get in. Fortunately for us, this bar is the perfect scene to celebrate the new year. It's pretty full, but not too packed to the point where you are constantly running into sweaty bodies. I've been out in LA countless times since I've moved here, even to this exact bar, but I've never seen it like this. Tonight there is a live dj performing with lights flashing in perfect sync with the beat. Every single person seems to be on cloud nine. There's always something about New Years that creates this kind of aura that radiates positivity and community wherever you are. This is the first night that I have been genuinely happy since the night I broke up with Colin and decided to move onto the next stage in my life.
As the night goes on our group continues to drink and we dance until a few minutes before midnight.
"Guys quick, over here!" Morgan yells across the bar and motions us in her direction. We all run over to meet her as she holds the curtain open for us to squeeze in alongside her. "We need one last picture together during our crazy 2018 year."
We all smash against each other as we squeeze into the photo booth. The screen starts the countdown.
3 2 1 FLASH
3 2 1 FLASH
3 2 1 FLASH
3 2 1 FLASH
We huddle together as we look at our photos. "Aww I love you guys! Best year ever," Casey announces as we all hold onto one another.
I look around at all of them and think back on my crazy year full of ups and downs. While it was probably their best year yet, it was in no way mine. I had some highs, but I had so many lows. All I know is that I am ready for the year ahead and I am incredibly grateful to have had my amazing group of friends to support me during the year that I am about to leave behind.
It's 11:55. Five minutes until we ring in the new year. We are all sitting at a table, everyone maybe a bit too tipsy, but we don't care. We are sharing funny stories from 2018, reminiscing on the past year we spent together.
"Hey Eli, remember that time at work when we unscrewed every single piece of your chair and you totally ate it AND spilled your coffee all over your shirt?" James asks, causing the entire group to laugh until their stomachs hurt.
"Oh yeah, that was so funny James. Almost as funny as the time we convinced you that daylight savings was a day early so you showed up to the office at 7:00 am instead of 8:00 am?" Eli's comeback makes everyone laugh even harder, if it's possible, until Morgan starts snorting, making everyone practically pee their pants.
We continue our banter back and forth until we start to hear the countdown.
10. The room starts to chant in unison
9. We all start to rise from our chairs
8. Morgan grabs Eli's shoulders as his hands latch onto her waist
7. James rubs the small of Eva's back while her eyes meet his
6. Casey laughs as she wraps her arms around Connor's neck and he reaches down to hold her
5. I look around the room at all of the happy people
4. I close my eyes
3. I run back the last year in my head, flooding my mind with memories
2. I embrace the the coming of a new year
1. I open my eyes
0. My eyes meet his
HAPPY NEW YEAR
The bar is filled with confetti, balloons, air horns, couples kissing, strangers kissing, but all I seem to care about are the green eyes staring back at me.
Brooks.
Our surroundings turn into white noise as we keep contact, not breaking it for a second. I want nothing more than to run over to him. To tell him I want him, tell him I need him, tell him I will do anything to have him back in my life.
But his eyes aren't filled with the same hope as mine. They are filled with anger, they are filled with hurt. And eventually, his eyes leave mine and he walks through the crowd and out the door.
This is not how I wanted to start the new year. I wanted to end the night thinking about all of the opportunities 2019 can bring. I wanted to think about finding happiness within myself. I didn't want to be thinking about a boy that I can't have. I don't want to be hopelessly in love with someone that can't love me back.
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They Never Said It Would Be Easy
RomanceThey Never Said It Would Be Easy follows Gianna as she navigates through life as a young adult. Her life as been easy thus far. She has the perfect friends, perfect family, and lands the perfect guy. But when reality strikes and her life seems to be...
