Three's Company

8. Mama

Jordan's (Mama) POV

  I'm honestly at a bit of a loss. I'm trying to calm a very hysterical babygirl who wants nothing to do with me right now.

   Paisley is fighting me with all her strength, calling after Beth. If that did not feel shitty enough, the looks she's been giving me since her diaper change are enough to have me sighing in defeat. In hindsight, I shouldn't have left her alone without saying anything. But I knew I couldn't carry her downstairs, so I figured I'd get Beth rather than dealing with a temper tantrum. Turns out that was a big fucking mistake.

  It's hard to hold onto her right now when she so clearly doesn't want to be with me. It sucks even more that I feel a pain in my heart admitting that, even just to myself.

  My grip falters and I let her free herself, watching as she stumbles out of the bed in search of Beth. I sit back against the headboard and tell myself not to cry. I do not cry. It's just those stupid pills messing with my hormones and emotions. Minutes tick by while I stew in self pity.

  I hear Beth talking softly to Paisley as they reenter the room together. Beth and I make eye contact and she gives me an apologetic smile, to which I roll my eyes. Paisley looks past the point of crying now as she hiccups and whimpers in Beth's arms.

  They sit together on the edge of the bed, Beth still cooing softly in Paisley's ear. I feel so useless, I can't even think of anything to say. I'm just a pathetic onlooker at the moment.

  "We need to take this off pumpkin." Beth murmurs, unzipping Paisley's pajamas after the small girl wiped her face on the sleeve like a tissue. "That's my good girl. Now sit with Mama for a minute." Beth says gently urging the diaper clad girl my way.

  "Mommy no go." Paisley whimpers, reaching out to Beth.

  "Mommy needs to clean up. Sit with Mama, I promise she won't bite." Beth smiles and kisses Paisley's good cheek then winks at me. I don't know how she manages to still be so cheerful in the moment. "I bet if you ask nicely, Mama will let you nurse."

  "My milk hasn't come in yet." I mumble. Beth knows that, I don't know why she would suggest it.

  "That's okay, even just the skin to skin is nice. Right baby?" Beth says directing the question to Paisley who nods weakly. "Go on, sit with Mama. I'll be right back."

  Paisley whimpers as Beth walks into the bathroom and closes the door. She looks to me with uncertainty and I look back just as uncertain. I'd hate to offer and for her to reject me right now. I've certainly had enough of her rejection for the night.

  "Mama milkies?" She asks in a soft whisper.

  "Sure baby." I manage a smile and nod. I pull off my hoodie and then my shirt. I feel a little self conscious suddenly, which is unusual for me. I'm very comfortable in my skin, I'm proud of my body. This just feels intimate and vulnerable in a way I've never felt. Plus I've never been naked in front of Paisley.

  I hold my arms open and Paisley crawls over. Once she's settled in my lap, I guide my nipple to her lips. She barely hesitates to pull the bud into her mouth and begins to suck gently. Her eyes close and the little lines between her furrowed brow soften. It's as if her entire body just melts into mine.

   I'm able to let go of my own worries and doubts. In this moment I understand why breastfeeding is considered such an act of bonding. I feel so much calmer than I did minutes ago. Paisley is sweet as can be, latched onto my breast and tenderly resting in my embrace.

  "Now isn't that a sweet sight." Beth coos, coming to join us. Her hair is wet from the shower and I can smell that she used my shampoo. It only makes me smile more, she always says she likes using mine because it smells like me.