Speared My Heart

Congratulations

I flushed the toilet and stared at myself in the mirror. God I'm huge! I turned to the side and stared. That just made it worse.  I turned back to the front and tried to suck it in to no avail. I sighed and washed my hands and came out of the bathroom. Jon had put the movie on pause so I could pee for the 20th time in the last hour. I felt horribly ugly, fat and self conscious. I wasn't used to this extra weight on my small frame and I wasn't dealing with it very well. Jon told me I was pretty, beautiful and gorgeous every day, but it still didn't make me feel better...at least he tried. I sat down on the couch next to him and tried to get comfortable again. He put his arm around me and pulled me closer and kissed my cheek

"I love you Ky. You look so beautiful."

I rolled my eyes "I love you too Jon. Thank you for the compliment. You can just say it...I look like a beached whale."

"Kyyylaaa...knock that off. You do not. I happen to think you look amazing"

He put his hand on my ginormous stomach and smiled

"They think you look amazing too"

"Well, they don't know what they're thinking."

He turned the movie back on and I put my head on his shoulder and sighed. I started thinking about a lot of things and felt the tears start to fall. My sniffling made him pause the movie again and wrap his arms around me. He gently stroked my hair and kissed my forehead. He was used to it by now...the constant crying and mood swings.

"What's wrong Ky?"

"I've been thinking"

"About what?"

"What if I'm not a good mom Jon. What if I don't know how to be a mom? Like What if I don't know what to do or how to do it? What if I don't feel any kind of connection? What if it doesn't come naturally to me? What...."

He stopped me and put his finger on my lips

"Kyla stop. You're going to be a great mom. You worry too much. They're going to love you as much as I do. I know you're scared because you didn't have parents, but Ky my home life growing up wasn't any better. I'm scared too. It's really important to me that I'm there for them and always take care of them. I don't know how to be a dad, but I have to learn just like you have to learn how to be a mom. There's no instruction manual. But I promise you won't have to do it alone Kyla. I'll help as much as I possibly can and Renee said she'd help you when she can. Everything is going to be fine."

The sound of the door closing woke me up. The view hasn't changed in 6 weeks. I've been confined to bed rest and because Jon is on the road and I'm alone a lot I'm having to spend the rest of my pregnancy in the hospital. The nurse came around the curtain to check on things

"Good morning Miss Kyla how are you feeling today?"

"Good...same"

"How are the little guys today?"

"Busy. Moving a lot"

"Movement is good. Have you been sleeping on your back?"

I looked down and nodded

"You need to make sure you are sleeping on your side OK. It's not safe to sleep on your back at this point. Just try to remember.  Your husband should be coming today right?"

Just as she said that Jon walked through the door. I was so excited that he made it...especially today. He came over and hugged me and gave me a kiss. He looked exhausted. He's been busier than ever since winning the World Heavyweight Title. I feel so awful for him because he travels for several weeks at a time and it's just a huge whirlwind most of the time, and when he's not being pulled in a million directions he's trying to catch up on a little sleep. He does make time to call or face time with me but I usually hang up within just a few minutes...I can hear the exhaustion in his voice. He yawned and stretched and flopped down in a chair