A Willowed Rose

Obsession

I struggle with obsession
No no no not compulsively buying one thing ....I have obsession over one's heart that tore mine apart
I gave limb after limb
Chances after chances
Yes I knew the outcome but what's that saying.... " hope for the best"
I painted over my tears and put on my mask
Danced for his amusement
Shattered like glass
I gave my body
I let my inner most secrets be known
I embraced him with an open heart
Into my mind just for him to infect it like a parasite
I tried my hardest to not let him go
I wanted it to work
I wanted to prove him wrong
As he used me as a stool
I just didn't want to let go
He told me my love was a lie
That it will never work
That he was done with me
Cried for days
He had every part of me
One day He came back
Lit a spark in me
Just to blow it out again
And tear  apart what was left of me
Didn't know why
But I still danced for his amusement
Broke my toes
Twirled my legs
Broke my arms
So he could rest his head
I was in so much pain
I wished I was dead
That's when it started
His infestation into my mind
Every time he left I went crazy
Cut myself
Tore everything in my room
Apart
I wasn't myself anymore
I wasn't me
He knew all the words to calm and enrage me
I was his little pawn
In the game we made
Every I'm sorry
Accepted with no hesitation
Not realizing he was the one
Who was truly acting
Gave me all the right words
Everything to keep me stagnant
Every time he left or showed me his true side
The deeper I would plunge into madness
Next up was pills
Wanted to kill this parasite
Freedom of will
Popped every bottle that I could reach
Woke the next day
Ready to repeat
Everytime he left
Our song would play on repeat
I'd stalk his insta his facebook
Anything I could reach
A mural of his photos
With some sappy music
I held close to me
Not realizing he was happy without me
As i stood in a mirror one day
Bottle of vodka and some pills in hand
I smiled
I had succumbed to what was happening
But i still loved to hear him speak
Every message blocked
Every "what your feeling is fake"
Couldn't stop me
Still i danced for his amusement
Well.... what ever was left of me
Painted my face pretty colors
Just so he could noticed me
When he said he cared
It created knives instead of butterflies within me
Something inside knew it wasn't right
But I wasn't listening
Every hospital visit
Still he was the first on my mind
"Who is he talking to"
"How was his day"
"What is he doing"
One day something inside me had died
I no longer felt anything
Drinking , popping pills , and crying
Became a daily routine
I was so numb
Didn't care about what was happening
I wanted him and him only
Everyone else was just passing
I no longer had feelings
No longer in control of what was happening
As I looked inside the mirror
No reflection was staring back at me
I saw happiness,  love , and my future within him
All I guess he saw was a girl
So naive
Easy to break in half
"Again"
I would yell
Why is happening
Pouring all my love
Just to only get back
Half of it
I became obsession with a vision that was never happening
A manipulative deceptive person
Had a hold on everything that was happening
Perfect calculations
I never knew what was happening
Till one final day
The feeling died
I no longer yearned for his scent
No longer cared about his day
But I still don't feel anything
I mean nothing
Till this day
Obsession-
A game I loved to play