He Calls Me Harmony

Chapter thirty four: Distance May Strengthen Thee

Fear, an emotion that is more than. Fear is more than an emotion. Fear is something psychological that metamorphosis's into something mental and its final transformation: physicality. Fear refrains the mind and soul from opposing something, claiming something, and attaining something. Fear has found it's inhabitants in my life. It's very niche, is my heart. Fear is my enemy. Sadly, I have chosen to reconcile with fear, allowing it to reek havoc into my life and relationship.

Fear is the only infidelity that I have committed against Joya. I allowed my fear of loosing her, by loosing a child. I configured that if we were to have a child, my life would be complete and worry free. In my world, Joya would prove she truly loves me by baring the precious gift that would have been our child. I was wrong. I do not need a child to for proof of love. I see it in those almond eyes of hers. I hear it in the smile when she speaks. I feel it every time our hands make contact, and especially when our bodies envelope in passion and love. This is everyday that she graces me with her love, I just became blind.

Seventy-two hours. It has been seventy-two hours since I have last seen her. Her smile. Her laughter. Her kisses. Her words. I have been prohibited from humbling myself in. I have been prohibited because of my ignorance and selfishness. I have been prohibited because of my fear. I feared the strength of our love, her love. I antagonized on how far would she go to prove she loves me. Now, I am left to ponder my own judgment.

The sounds of summer blue jays and red robins, wake me from my deep slumber. I squint my eyes, desperately trying to adjust to the suns rays that are seeping through my linen curtains. My room is seemingly well lit as my eyes finally become accustom to this mornings glow. I inhale and exhale deeply, sitting up against my apple wood headboard. The world seems at peace, yet here I am, missing someone to share this beautiful morning with. God only knows how much I miss waking up to Joya or watching her wake up.

Closing my eyes, I can see her. Her Hershey skin, smooth and almost goddess like. The miniature, unconscious smile on her face as she oblivious to the waking world around her. There is something about the way she sleeps that induces an overflow of peace and harmony (hence her name), it is something inexplainable, and frankly it does not need an explanation. That is just the mysterious beauty of Joya Jessica Riley.

I sigh once again, feeling my heart sink, again. I have prayed, called, text messaged and prayed some more, still no answer. I would like to believe this is Gods way of punishing me for my doubt in his precious gift of love. I will guiltily admit that I have questioned God in his bringing of Joya into my life. I have patronized God for giving me such a splendidly bright creature, with acknowledgement that I do not deserve her. And now, she is gone. I pushed my true blessing away, and I most certainly am paying for it.

Finally gaining the will to break from my protruding thoughts and detach from the comforting, safe protection of my linen, I raise from beneath the covers and prepare for another day.

I whisper a silent prayer to God that this will be the last day I let fear control my judgment. I pray to God that this will be the last time I question him, and the last time I question Joya. Before ending my prayer, I once again ask for forgiveness, repenting for retribution in my own insecurities.

Upon ending my prayer, I once again turn my gaze towards my bedroom window, looking out across the morning. Though my side of town is a bit more of an urbanized setting of an nineteen-eighties movie shot in an older Chicago, Crawfordville Trace is quite lively. On the days (and still counting) that I have spent alone, in my bedroom, I would catch myself staring out into the world beyond my street sign, gazing upon the life outside.

There is something about watching someone else happiness that makes you ponder on your own. My evident loneliness has led to me prying on other's, who are in a more fortunate circumstance than I. I continuously remind myself to never let this happen again. I never want to hurt her again. I do not want to let her live by the reign of my insecurities, never again.