Piss Me Off

Episode 5: No Limits

EPISODE 5: NO LIMITS

It's Thursday mid-afternoon. Alex wakes up and walks into the living room to find Rusty smoking from the bong and looking at social media on his laptop. A typical day.

Alex: Was that you with the ghost whore last night? Or was she using the TV remote again?

Rusty: Guilty.

Alex: Jesus, that's like three nights in a row.

Rusty: Dude, she can make herself invisible. It's like fucking Predator. It's amazing, if you can drown out her annoying sex noises. It's like masturbating but a thousand times better.

Alex: That's what you said about your pocket pussy.

Rusty: It's better than that. Plus I only got to use the pocket pussy twice before it had black mold inside of it.

Alex: That's disgusting. How did it get mold on it? What'd you leave it all crudded up?

Rusty: Well it's stupid, you have to warm it up in hot water so it feels like the real thing, then you gotta wash it out and dry it off afterwards. It's too much maintenance. I'm not trying to drop three hours every time I wanna nut.

Alex: I'd still rather fuck a moldy plastic pussy than a fat dead girl from Jersey. Two weeks ago, ghosts were an eerie myth and now they're an annoying reality.

Rusty: Yeah. But at least you can fuck it. It'd be weirder if it had to live here and you couldn't fuck it. You know?

Alex: We really need to get you a girlfriend.

Rusty: I think most girls are intimidated by me. They know they'll fall in love with me but also know I probably won't love them back. Because they are not worthy of me. So they don't bother.

Alex: I think you just need to tighten your game up.

Rusty: My game is flawless; I can have pretty much any girl I want, if I try hard enough.

Alex: I've never seen you spit good game. Not once.

Rusty: That's just because I'm not the best opener. If I can get passed the opening I'm golden. That's why I suck at Tinder. I never know what to say at first.

Alex: How about just saying "Hey."

Rusty: No, I'm way more cleverer than that. Girls just rarely respond to my brilliance over text. They can't hear the tone of my voice and my sarcasm so they can't tell how funny I am. That's why I hate texting. It just makes me look stupid. Things I say in a joking manner are either taken literally or are not understood by the female brain.

Alex: Let me read some of your openers.

Rusty hands his phone to Alex.

Alex: Ok, let's see... The first one says... are you kidding me?

Rusty: Which one?

Alex: It says "Hey, wanna fuck on the reg? Your picture got my dick foaming like an empty keg."

Rusty: Oh yeah. I guess she wasn't into poetry.

Alex: The next one says "I will marry you for citizenship."

Rusty: She's Mexican.

Alex: Her bio says "Florida girl born and raised."

Rusty: Oh, well I never read that shit.