Piss Me Off

S2 Episode 1: Shrink Dick

S2 EPISODE 1: SHRINK DICK

It's 11-something on a Wednesday morning. Rusty is lying on a black leather couch. His therapist has a sour, confused look on his face.

Rusty: Don't get me wrong; Tool is one of my favorite bands and all. The first three albums are amazing. It just becomes a bit of a bummer when you realize most of their songs are about being raped as a child. At first glance it's like "This guy has an amazing voice and the music is incredible." Then you start really listening to the lyrics and it's like "Oh this guy was fucked in the butt." It seems like everything that's good in life was inspired by something bad.

Dr. Dickerman: So with the intricacies of this band "Tool" aside, let's talk about you. What is home like for you?

Rusty: What?

Dr. Dickerman: Do you live by yourself or do you live with family?

Rusty checks Facebook on his phone.

Rusty: I can't stand this fucking "pineapple doesn't belong on pizza" movement. I love pineapple on pizza. It's delicious. It's like trendy to be against it. And all the faggots just jump on the train because it's "cool" to hate pineapple pizza. They're trying to oppress my food because they don't agree with my lifestyle. Revolutions have been started for less.

Dr. Dickerman: Rusty, our passed two sessions you've done nothing but vent all your frustrations about society and cultural trends to me. I want to talk more about you as a person.

Rusty: Don't you think it's fucking retarded that people want to control what other people eat?

Dr. Dickerman: We'll get back to that later. What is home like for you?

Rusty takes a deep breath.

Rusty: Home is a bit of a pain in the ass.

Dr. Dickerman: How so? Do you live with family?

Rusty: I live with my pregnant girlfriend. And she has just been a fucking nightmare since day one. For a good part of my life all I've done is dream about one day settling down with this girl. And let me tell you, Dick. It's not at all as I imagined.

Dr. Dickerman: Please, Dr. Dickerman or Charles.

Rusty: You don't like Dick? It's a good nickname.

Dr. Dickerman: All right then, for the duration of our conversation I shall refer to you as Fatty. So Fatty, what about living with her isn't like you imagined?

Rusty: Fatty? Listen Dick, I'll admit I've been stress eating recently, but you're looking like you got type-3 diabetes, so you can put that shit in the spam file.

Dr. Dickerman: Okay. Let's detract from that. How long have you two lived together?

Rusty: Like 6 or 7 months. Right after she found out she was pregnant. And now she's 9 months.

Dr. Dickerman: So you decided to move in together after she told you she was pregnant?

Rusty: Yeah, well my last house burned down. And I'm renting a bigger, nicer house and invited her to move in with me... I'm such a fucking idiot.

Dr. Dickerman: How did your last house burn down?

Rusty: They said it was arson. Apparently when the fire department got there, two black teenagers were outside watching the fire. They're both getting 30 years.