Piss Me Off

S3 Episode 5: God's Just Jealous

S3 EPISODE 5: GOD'S JUST JEALOUS

Marijuana smoke fills the living room while Alex is playing Spiderman on the Play Station. Rusty it sitting next to him, eating his dinner. He has a leopard print head band on.

Alex: What is that slop you're eating?

Rusty: It's Keto.

Alex: Right. But what is it?

Rusty: Six soft scrambled eggs, four pieces of bacon, two cubed up pieces of string cheese, a couple handfuls of shredded cheese, and two slices of sharp cheddar, mixed with hella sour cream and hot sauce.

Alex: Is that another attempt at killing yourself?

Rusty: I've lost over fifty pounds eating this way. Your nutritional advice is outdated. Save it for the other morons who think they know shit.

Alex: That has to be horrible for your cholesterol.

Rusty: You're right. Here I am on suicide watch and all I can think about is my cholesterol.

Alex: You'll worry about it when you're an old fat piece of shit with a pacemaker. And an oxygen tank. And what the fuck are you wearing on your head?

Rusty: I stole it from Claire's.

Alex: Why?

Rusty: I'm not sure. I haven't been thinking too much. Just acting really.

Alex: You know, you may have brain damage. Who knows how long you were dead for.

Rusty: The brain can only survive without oxygen for six minutes.

Alex: Yeah, well I think you're an anomaly because you looked dead as fuck.

Rusty: I'm thinking that too. It's because God fucking hates me. He wouldn't let me take the easy way out. He wants to watch me suffer more. He couldn't have me come in and dethrone him. Start running shit up there. He's just jealous. Now I have to live the rest of my life with God fucking me in the ass at every turn.

Alex: Would you just calm down? Amanda probably just said that shit because she was most likely on her period. I'm sure she'll come back around. Can you imagine a prison full of women with all of their periods synced? Nightmare.

Rusty: I got a letter from her this morning.

Alex: And?

Rusty: She found someone else.

Alex: Found someone else in a woman's prison?

Rusty: Yep. She's a prison wife, now. Basically.

Alex: Another girl? Holy shit that's hot. I'm not gonna say I've never thought about Amanda with another girl... but that's because I've thought about it a lot.

Rusty: Me too. I just always thought we would share that other girl.

Alex: So in other words, it's over?

Rusty: Yes it's over. As is my life, once I find the right way to do it.

Alex: Seriously. Calm. The fuck. Down. Look on the bright side, now we don't have to listen to you spout your bullshit about breaking her out of prison now.

Rusty: Yeah, because if I did that I'd be separating her from her true love. Then I'd be the asshole. Yet again.

Rusty's phone beeps on the coffee table.