Piss Me Off

S2 Episode 2: Modern Shamily

S2 EPISODE 2: MODERN SHAMILY

It's 8:43 Thursday morning. Rusty carefully tries to crawl his naked ass out of bed without waking the redhead goddess. Tortoise is sitting by the door, impatiently waiting. He cries. Rusty puts his finger up against his lips. Tortoise barks. Rebecca wakes up. She wipes her eyes.

Rebecca: Hey.

Rusty: Good morning.

Rebecca: What are you doing?

Rusty: I have to let my dog outside.

Rebecca: Oh ok. Just come back to bed when you're done.

Rusty: You know, I should actually stop by the house. Make sure she hasn't burned it down.

Rebecca: Ugh. She's probably the one who burnt down your other house. You said you didn't think it was the black kids.

Rusty: Yeah. I don't know, maybe.

Rebecca: She's a fucking psychopath. Look at your chest. It's blistering like crazy.

Rusty: It's all right. I'll just pop them with a needle when I get home. Put a bandage on it or something.

Rebecca: Are you gonna stop by later?

Rusty: I'm gonna try... I'll text you though.

Rebecca: Wait, before you leave... Momma wants some breakfast.

Rusty: Uh, I'm not sure about that.

Rebecca: Oh come on, you loved it.

Rusty: It's not something I normally do, I was pretty fucked up last night.

She begs him.

Rebecca: Come here and let Mommy get some breakfast.

Rusty: Ok, fine. Just stop with the Mommy shit. It's giving me stomach cramps, and that won't be good for either one of us right now.

Rusty gets on the bed, on his knees, in the doggy-style position. He puts a pillow under his elbows.

Rebecca: Mmmm chocolate chip pancakes.

Rusty: Are you sure you don't want me to shave first? ... Or wash it?

Rebecca is too busy spit polishing Rusty's shit plate to respond.

Rusty: I feel like an empowered woman in this position.

Rusty flinches.

Rusty: God damn, Gene Simmons, not that deep. You're not mining for gold. Are you wearing a clothespin or something? 'Cause I can smell my ass from here.

Rebecca: Are you gonna give Mommy some milk to wash it down?

She reaches around and begins milking.

Rusty: Maybe if you were a little bit better at churning butter. And cut that "mommy" shit out.

Rebecca: Want Mommy to milk you with her mouth then?

Rusty jumps out of bed and quickly picks up his clothes.

Rusty: My dog has to pee.

He slams the door behind him.

Rusty walks into his house with just his pants on. Tortoise gets excited to see his brothers and sisters. The dogs all sniff him to see where he's been. Amanda is in the kitchen with one arm reaching in the fridge.