Piss Me Off

Episode 8: Practice Guy

EPISODE 8: PRACTICE GUY

It's 10am on Sunday morning. Alex and Rusty are both sitting on the couch. They are both very calm after just finishing a fistfight with each other over Rusty throwing his cell phone and breaking their TV. Rusty's lip is bleeding and Alex has scratches on his face.

Rusty: It took her three days to text me back, just to say, " I was really drunk that night. I didn't mean it."

Alex: Let me try to explain this to you...

Rusty: Here we go.

Alex: Imagine yourself as a kid in the mall and Amanda is your mom.

Rusty smiles.

Rusty: I'm starting to get a boner.

Alex: You shouldn't be.

Rusty: I am.

Alex: Anyways, you're with your mom, Amanda, and she's really annoyed by you right now, because you're a little kid and you do really annoying fucking things. Now, if you wander away from her and go play in the Toy Store for a while, she'll either come find you because she loves you or she'll leave your ass there, because you were a mistake and she doesn't want you. If she leaves you there, then you're just a kid in the Toy Store forever. Doesn't that sound better than shopping for clothes with your mom forever?

Rusty: (kid voice) But I love my mommy.

Alex: Wow bro, you're really making this fucking creepy.

Rusty: I guess that's not a bad analogy. You think she'll really come save me from the toy store?

Alex: There's only one way to find out.

Rusty: I think she will.

Alex: Ok, well actually, I don't. Honestly, I think you were a "practice guy." I think she was using you to make sure she was stable enough to be in another relationship. She was testing the waters. After being in a relationship so long, she was making sure she could still swim.

Rusty: What the fuck are you talking about? Stop speaking in riddles.

Alex: Basically, she used you to test how awkward she might be with another guy who wasn't Dustin. So she doesn't embarrass herself when she starts dating. She used you for practice.

Rusty: You're so stupid. You and everyone else. That girl still loves me. I know it's true. Even if she forgot.

Alex: Whatever. Have you thought about what we should do about Kyle?

Rusty: What do you mean? We're gonna have to kill him.

Alex: We can't just kill someone.

Rusty: Huh? You were totally on board the other night.

Alex: I know but I've been thinking about it. I don't think I could go through with it. We haven't actually killed anybody. I just think we'll fuck it up and get caught.

Rusty: We're not gonna get caught. We already know how to do the hard part, getting rid of the body. Killing is the easy part.

Alex: Shut the fuck up like you've done this before. You accidentally killed Dustin and you lied and got the priest killed by Ray.

Rusty: Well if both of those are my fault then I guess I'm the more experienced one. So just follow my lead.

Alex: I'm sure we can think of something else. Like pay him off. Or scare him out of town or something.