Piss Me Off

S2 Episode 4: Ass Wipe

S2 EPISODE 4: ASS WIPE

It's 8:30am. Rusty wakes up on the couch with a piss boner about to snap his waistband. He maneuvers his way around the sleeping dogs, cinching his hose to prevent any pre-spillage. After a three-minute piss, he comes back into the living room. The dogs are now all awake and starving like Somalian children.

Rusty: Why'd she leave you guys down here?

Rusty walks up the stairs.

Rusty: Wake up Hershey Nips. Come feed your dogs.

He knocks before he opens her door. Her room is empty.

Rusty: Did she leave?

He walks downstairs and looks out the window. Her car is in the driveway. He speaks to the dogs in his dog voice.

Rusty: I'm too drunk to understand what's going on right now, puppies.

He calls Amanda's phone. It rings once then goes to voicemail.

Rusty: Doggies? Did you let the burglars steal Mommy?

They start crying and getting excited to eat.

Rusty: No doggies, you're supposed to protect her.

They dog pile the couch.

Rusty: Mommy's gone. Gone forever. You had one job and you failed miserably. Mommy's probably tied up in someone's bathtub somewheres. Poor doggies.

They're getting frustrated and jumping on him.

Rusty: Alright, get off me and you can eat.

He let's the pack outside to lizard hunt and chase squirrels down the power lines. Rusty gets a text from Amanda. "Be home in 20." Rusty fills eight dog bowls with different portions of food and lines them up on the counter. He let's the dogs inside and makes them all sit.

Rusty: Tortoise.

Tortoise runs to his bowl. The other dogs stay seated.

Rusty: Tootles.

The Chihuahua runs to her bowl.

Rusty: Rambo. Peaches. Predator. Maple. Die Fledermaus. Cuddles.

All the dogs are eating. Rusty sits down and turns on the TV. The news is on.

Anchorwoman: Police say surprising amounts of DNA samples from the vigilante were left at the scene...

Rusty hears the front door open. Amanda walks into the living room.

Amanda: Hey.

Rusty: Hey. Did you let them out this morning or something?

Amanda: I haven't been home since last night.

Rusty: What, were you at your mom's?

Amanda: No.

Amanda starts to walk upstairs.

Rusty: Well your car was here. Who took you home?

Amanda: A friend.

Rusty: A friend? Wait a minute.

Rusty chases her upstairs. She doesn't turn around. He grabs her arm.

Rusty: Amanda. Look at me.

She reluctantly looks at him.

Rusty: You don't have any friends. Who were you out with last night?