| Ephemeral |

thirty

Alex

It's been two days. Two days. I feel like I broke two different hearts two days ago. How do I even approach this? There is no right answer. 

I hate myself for what I did. I hurt two people I love most in this world. That's the last thing I'd ever want to do. 

I walked into the living room of the mansion and sat beside Elena. "It looks like you swallowed two watermelons." I joked, looking down at her stomach. It's gotten so big, the baby only has about two weeks until his due date.

"You're telling me? I don't even like walking around anymore. I feel like I have a bowling ball strapped to my stomach!" She exclaimed as she threw her head back on the couch. 

"Are you nervous?" I asked her after a moment. I'm genuinely curious about the aspects of her pregnancy. It's been so cool to see her grow and go through this process. 

"Not so much nervous about birth itself, just what comes after. I don't think I've processed the idea of becoming a mom yet." She responded, looking at me with a half-smile.

"I get that. You'll be great no matter what. You're the most maternal person I know." I reassured her with a smile and she nodded.

"Have you heard from either of the twins?" Elena asked me, causing me to breathe in sharply. "No. I don't think Grayson is ever going to talk to me again," I started, looking away from her. 

"I don't think I've ever seen Ethan that hurt before. I'm not going to invade his emotional healing  by trying to talk to him too early either." I continued as I finally looked at her. She was looking at me with her eyebrows raised slightly.

"I screwed up El, bad," I admitted, to her and myself. "Cut yourself some slack Alex. What did you expect was going to happen? Ethan left you with his brother who we all know has had a thing for you from the get-go. Those feelings don't vanish, and from what I've seen, sparks flew from both parties." She responded more seriously. She sat up and faced me causing me to sit up too.

I thought to myself for a few moments as I tried to gather my thoughts for a response. "I know, Elena. But that's his brother. They are the two closest human beings I know. What if I messed that up?" I asked again, feeling my throat burn from the cry I was withholding. 

"If I'm not mistaken, Grayson is the one who leaned in and Ethan is the one who left. That isn't on you. Stop blaming yourself so much." She spoke to me again as she patted my leg.

"Girl, you're about to go off to college. You graduate in two weeks. You may be leaving them behind very very soon. My advice, woman to woman, just put your two cents in. Tell them each how you feel, just be honest. Even if it hurts. Don't leave with regrets. You guys have been friends for too long, and have been through way too damn much to give up on each other now." She added, causing me to nod.

She's right. We really have been through too much to turn our backs on each other. I just need to confront my emotions and tell them how I feel. How do I tell them how I feel without knowing how I feel? 

-

I stood by my locker and stared over at the guys' locker. 'Attention students, today is cap and gown pickup. If you don't get it today, you won't graduate. Make today a great day, the choice is yours!' The speaker blared in the hallway, causing me to roll my eyes.