The Ones For Him

|37|

Monday...

I got out of my car and locked it, putting my keys away. I slid my backpack on and pulled my hood up, following the boys as they walked ahead of me. I kept my head down, but looked up once we reached the inside of the building.

There was still about ten minutes until first period, so I went straight to the bathroom and walked in a stall. My hands were sweaty and I felt like my heart was about to pop out of my chest. I sighed and rubbed my face, deciding if I should smoke or not to help me calm down. I decided against it so instead, I calmed myself down by breathing slowly and walked out of the bathroom.

I walked through the halls until there were two minutes left for the bell to ring. I decided to head to class early so that I wouldn't be in the crowd of students getting to their classes. I went to Ollie's room and walked in, walking past his front desk to get to the back corner of the room. I sat down, placed my bag on the chair next to me, and put my head down.

These past few days were all the same. Friday morning, after I told the guys about my nightmare, they left after I reassured them that I would be fine staying alone in the house. I was actually terrified to be alone, but I didn't say anything because I didn't want to take their school time away. I was locked up in my room for the rest of the day and didn't leave the room until they came back from school, then the boys came back. I chose to tell them about my nightmare and they seemed happy that I wanted to talk about it. It felt good to open up, even though I still felt scared.

Dinner that night was the first time I had eaten in a whole day since I wasn't hungry. I wanted to smoke, but I held myself back. Friday night was the same thing. I had a similar nightmare about Mauricio choking me and telling me more things that I didn't deserve. I didn't get much sleep that night either and Saturday was the worst.

I had a couple panic and anxiety attacks which all happened when I was in my room alone. I didn't tell the guys until it was dinnertime. They were upset that I didn't go to them for help so I promised that if I could manage to get to them while I was panicking, I would go.

Saturday night was the same. It was just him telling me things to make me feel worse than I was already feeling. He made me feel more guilty for leaving and I think at one point, he told me that I shouldn't be alive because of how bad I hurt him. I woke up again and told the guys Sunday morning about my nightmare.

They had a serious talk with me that if I ever felt like hurting myself, that I should call them or go to them, but I already knew that. I felt like I needed to go to them for everything, but I was happy that they were helping me...

Even after I left them.

Something that hasn't changed, though, is that I still get irritated easily. I just feel so angry at times, but then I'd feel sad. A few times I sort of did lash out at one of the guys or even all of them, but I would calm myself down and apologize to them, and guess what? That would just add more to the pile of guilt that I was already feeling.

Another thing that I noticed is that since I haven't been smoking, I've been sadder and angrier. It's like smoking just makes me happy and calms me down. It makes me feel a bit better about myself, but only a bit.

I just wanted to leave school and go to that flower field. Now that it was winter, I wonder what it would look like. Would all the flowers be dead? Would some be alive and others dead? Or would it just be a muddy field?

Maybe I would be able to go tomorrow, but then I'd have to tell the guys where I'm going. I didn't want to break a rule, but I didn't want them to know where I was going. I would just decide if I wanted to go or not tomorrow.