Only You (Second Chances Series Book 1)

Goodbye...

I wake up Sunday morning and it takes a second for the memories of last night to come back to me. I had phone sex with Ollie. What is wrong with me? I can't be doing these kinds of things. Being friends with Oliver is one thing but kisses and phone sex are another. I can't give him false hope that there's a chance for us.

I roll out of bed and put on my running clothes. I need fresh air and time to think. I also need to pick up my car from Kates. She doesn't live far from me so I decide on a route that will bring me to her house. I love my neighborhood. It's so peaceful and beautiful with tree-lined streets and older-style homes that have been well taken care of over the years. I run for almost an hour. I was an avid runner in high school and the beginning of college but then I stopped. I was finally able to start running again a little over two years ago. It's my therapy.

I get my car and go home. After a long shower, I get dressed for the day. I need food but when I go to make something I remember that I don't have anything in the house. So I head to the grocery store. I'm standing in the frozen food aisle debating between chocolate chip ice cream and moose tracks when a familiar voice says my name. I turn and see Steven standing there.

"Hello, Steven. Goodbye, Steven." I turn to walk away, even though it pains me to go without the ice cream. Oh, well.

"Lilian, wait." I stop, even though I know better.

"Can we talk?"

"Here, in the middle of the store?"

He shakes his head with a little smile on his face. "No, I was thinking over dinner. Tomorrow night?"

Steven's a good-looking guy with his blonde hair, blue eyes, and athletic build. He's about five-eleven. We met two years ago at Millie's work picnic. She works for a law firm and they have a picnic every year for their employees and their families. Millie had just broken up with her boyfriend and didn't want to go alone so she invited me. It's a large firm and Millie didn't personally know Steven but he and I started talking and something about him just put me at ease. We kept it casual and took it slow for a while and then we officially became a couple about a year and a half ago.

Part of me wants to tell him where to shove it and another part is dying to know what happened? Even though I think I already know the answer.

I give in. "Fine. Where and what time?"

"Seven o'clock. My place? I'll throw some steaks and potatoes on the grill." That's playing dirty, he knows me too well.

"Fine. Seven o'clock." I start to walk away but then I turn back around and grab the chocolate chip ice cream then walk away. I hear him chuckle behind me. Damn bastard.

I spend the rest of the day and all day Monday telling myself that I'm an idiot and shouldn't have agreed to meet him. But here I am standing on his porch in jeans, a lace-trimmed tank top, and cute little sandals.

I ring the bell and he answers almost immediately. He steps aside so I can come in. As I'm about to pass him he reaches a hand out and puts it on my waist. He leans down to kiss my cheek.

"You look nice."

"Thanks." He does too but I'm not telling him that. He's wearing dark jeans and a blue button-down shirt with the sleeves rolled up. The blue color makes his eyes stand out.

"Can I get you a drink? Wine? Beer?"

"A glass of wine, please." I follow him into the kitchen. A week ago I would have just walked in the house and poured my glass but things have changed.

We take our drinks out to the back deck where he has the food on the grill. He's already set the table so as soon as the food is ready we sit to eat. We eat mostly in silence for a little while. There's a little small talk about our day but that's it. Then he jumps right into the reason for this dinner.

"Look, Lily, I want to apologize for the other night. You deserved so much better than that." "

"You think?"

He continues. "We've been serious for a year and a half now but I felt like we were never going to progress any further. I feel like you're distant and keeping a part of yourself from me. And I'm not just talking about sex. I mean emotionally."

So here's the thing, yes we're both adults, well into our twenties, but we have never actually had sex. We've done just about everything else you can do with another person but Steven's dick has never physically been inside me. Well, I take that back. It's been in my mouth more times than I can count. I'm surprised I don't have TMJ after all the blow jobs I've given him in the hope to make him forget that we've never had sex.

Obviously, I'm not a virgin. Ollie and I had sex a lot back in the day. We were each other's firsts. I can pretty much guarantee that Ollie's had a lot of sex since. Me, not so much. I've tried but I just couldn't do it.

"Steven, I told you I just wasn't ready. You said you understand about the sex." As much as he could understand considering I've never told him the whole story. All he knows is that I had a traumatic experience when I was younger and sex isn't something I'm comfortable with. "And I don't know what you're talking about when you say I'm emotionally distant."

He just looks at me for a minute and I squirm. Ok so maybe I do know. I was trying with Steven and I tell him as much.

"I've come a long way since we first met and you know it. Why did you all of the sudden give up on me?" Before I can do anything to stop it a single tear escapes and rolls down my cheek. I try to wipe it away before he can see it. No such luck.

He scoots his chair over to mine. "Lily, I didn't give up on you. I just realized that I'm not the right guy for you. If I was you would feel more comfortable with me. You would open up to me and be honest with me." He pushes my hair behind my ear. "Lily, I love you and I would wait a lifetime for you if I thought it would make a difference. But let's face it, it won't."

"I want you to be the right guy." I start to cry harder. It's the truth. Because Steven is easy. Oliver is complicated and my feelings for him scare me to death.

Steven pulls me into his arms and holds me for a minute. "If you want me to be the right guy then can you tell me what's going on in that beautiful head of yours right now?" I remain silent. "I didn't think so."

"I do love you, Steven."

"I know. It's just not enough. For either of us." And he's right. It's not. We finish our food and I offer to help him clean up but he tells me he's got it. He walks me out to my car and opens the door for me. I turn to him and he leans down to give me a soft kiss on my lips. A goodbye kiss.

I drive back to my house and make it inside before I break down. Steven is right, us loving each other isn't enough because I didn't trust him enough to be completely honest with him. So unless I get my shit together and get the courage to talk to someone I'll most likely die alone.