To Make Amends • Kylo Ren/ Ben Solo x reader

• Chapter 20 •

I stood up, knowing I should apologise. I needed to find him. I made my way to the door, opened it and ran. I ran to his quarters, I knew that's where he was, I didn't know why but I just knew.

I pressed the button but the door wouldn't open. He must've locked me out. I focused really hard and used the force to pry the door open. When I actually got it I was quite proud of myself. It wasn't the time to be celebrating though, I made my way quickly to his bedroom.

I froze before I entered. All I could feel was an overwhelming wave of pain and sadness. I prepared myself for the temper tantrum I presumed I would walk into. I opened the door using the force once again.

"GET OUT!" Kylo's scream echoed through his quarters.

Any normal person would've ran immediately and I will admit I thought about it for a split second. I couldn't bring myself to leave, not with the scene in front of me. This was no temper tantrum. I was frozen once again. Kylo was sobbing...

"Kylo I-" I tried to speak.

"I SAID GET OUT!" He screamed again.

I wasn't about to let him go through whatever this was alone.

"NO!" I screamed right back.

I didn't want to shout at him, I apologised because despite the fact that he yelled at me first, now wasn't the time to be petty. "Kylo I'm sorry but let me help." I said in a stern tone.

He didn't say anything, he just sank down onto his bed, tears flowing like a waterfall. I walked over to him and put my hand on his shoulder. He was broken and I had just seen why. I sat down next to him and he'll just fell onto me. His head resting on my shoulder

I was whispering mindless words to try console him, "Sh Sh...it'll be alright..it's fine. Let it out."

I was petty much cradling him in my arms. He was so vulnerable and I was not about to make him feel worse my asking questions. I just said softly, "I am so sorry..."

To my surprise he spoke through sobs. "It's...so painful...I thought...the pain...would end."

I had no idea what he meant was painful, I did see images in his brain but I didn't know his full story. I knew he needed me there, so that's what I did. I stayed there with him, I didn't know how long, it could've been years for all I cared. I just wanted him to stop hurting.

After a while of crying and cuddling he lifted his head from my shoulder to meet my eyes. I looked into his, and he was still in so much pain. I lifted my hand to his cheek and wiped away all of his tears.

I felt so bad for resurfacing all these memories and feeling. "I really am sorry."

I heard a very faint, "I know..." come from his mouth. He cleared his throat and sat back a little. "I-I am so weak."

"No of course you're not. I don't know exactly what you're feeling, and I probably won't ever be able to understand it but I can tell you this, you are not weak. You might be damaged, but it is not your fault." I tried to sympathise with him.

We spent the rest of day just in each others company. I still felt extremely bad for the fact that it was my fault, for bringing up all his memories, so I didn't leave his side. Something that I couldn't get off my mind was the fact that Leia was right all along. Kylo wasn't just Kylo, inside he was still Ben.

I was careful to block my thoughts while thinking about Ben and Leia because I didn't want to make him feel any worse. We didn't talk much for the remainder of the day. We were lying on his bed in complete darkness and eventually fell asleep.

I woke up on Kylo's bed...alone. It took me a moment to get back to reality. I looked at my clothes and realised I was still in the clothes I had from training. Then the wave of stress engulfed me...Kylo...Everything that had happened the day before...the sadness...guilt.

I felt tears welling in my eyes from the amount of emotion I felt. I stopped myself from crying, I knew that I didn't have the right to feel sad about it. I was the one who went into his mind.

I got out of his bed and looked around his quarters for a bathroom. I didn't want anyone seeing me like this mess coming out of his quarters. I was lucky enough for it to be the second door I opened. It was huge compared to mine. I had a shower quickly and washed my hair. I used the soap that was in the bathroom.

When I dried my hair off, it was so silky and soft. "This must be how he gets his hair so soft" I joked to myself. I finished off getting ready, and headed to the training room.

I presumed that he would be there. I was right. When I arrived and opened the door, the place was completely wrecked. The smell of burning filled my nose. I honestly couldn't blame him, all the emotion he had been building up, had to be let out somehow.

In all that had happened in the past while, I had began to understand Kylo. I felt it brought me closer to him.