I'm In Love With Me?

Chapter 33

I could round this moment up to the lowest point in my life. For the past few weeks I pretended that nothing happened. That Caspien didn't reject me. That I didn't still have feelings for him. The truth was, Caspien had a permanent mark tattooed into my brain. I couldn't stop thinking of him even though I wanted so badly to just forget about him.

I really fell hard for him.

I didn't realise it was that bad until now. Like Isa said, I couldn't even remember when that happened. When did I fall? Why couldn't I forget the pain of rejection and get myself off the ground? Why was I still sprawled across the pavements painted in an unrequited love? Why was I so broken that I couldn't find my footing to move on?

I now knew why mom was so depressed about dad. I wasn't exactly depressed but instead I became silent and slightly bothered. I surely seemed pitiful but no one actually knew how much this hurt until being thrown in the situation itself. I could be called a hypocrite when compared to my mother but the difference laid in the actions of the other involved person. Caspien was physically there for me every time I needed him. He basically led me out of every single fear I encountered. Then in the end, he regarded me as nothing. I felt used and I felt stupid. I wanted answers to untangle the confusion that was my brain and feelings. I couldn't accept his words because I didn't believe his words. He gave me every right to not believe because he showed he cared instead of saying he cared. I wanted him to say this to my face one more time and I wanted him to say it with enough confidence so that I could truly turn over to the Milenna that became strong over the past few months. The Milenna who would never let a rejection from a boy affect her this much.

So in this moment where I was wallowing in sadness and an eternity of self pity, I actually found myself in the park. It was late at night. I left my house to get some fresh air but had somehow wandered out here.

The cool wind nipped at my skin as I scolded myself for not carrying a jacket with me. I was only wearing blue jeans and a tank top, my hair flying loosely into the breeze.

I wanted to be alone. Away from everyone because then at least I would be given a chance to worry about my problems instead of theirs.

I folded my arms around me to keep me warm as I ventured deeper into the park. The fountain came into view and I stopped in my tracks. I bit my lip as I continued staring at the fountain. Something snapped behind me and I whipped around to face nothing.

I turned on my heels and walked towards the fountain. As I neared the wall, I slowed my pace and sat on the edge. "It's been a long time, huh?" I said to no one in particular. "Last time I sat here, a version of me showed up in my room." I laughed out loud. I couldn't stop laughing. I laughed until my stomach hurt as tears built in my eyes. "A version of me showed up in my room." I continued laughing as I placed both feet in the fountain. I was basically choking on laughter. "It's so funny." My laughter turned into sobs as I started crying softly. The tears that once supported my laughter was now one forming allies with sobs. "It's so funny."

I stood in the fountain, making my way about. "Who are you?" I recited from the first day Caspien and I met. I am you, nice to meet you, he had answer. I continued walking about the fountain as I tripped over my feet. The water was flowing and I could hardly stay on my own feet. "Are you stoned? How can I be you?" I stated remembering his facial expression in that moment. He looked so amused. Because I am you, was his brilliant reply. "I don't understand. How can you be me and I, you?" The memory was clear as day.

I took a seat on the wall, finally letting the tears fall. Water splashed all over me, soaking my jeans. "What if I want to make a wish?" I said softly with my head bowed. I had so many questions I wanted to ask Caspien. I understood that he didn't want me in the way I wanted him. I just felt like I lost someone that became important to me. Someone that I wished was still here to catch my tears when it fell. Someone I wished would give me a bit of advice when I needed it. Someone that could protect me from the world and occasionally myself.